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bubell@umich.edu
I wish I had something to write about, but nobody had any time to do anything wrong or stupid. Kudos to Bart H and Pilar C for integrating the buzz phrases in Marketing class. Speaking of Marketing, Sharifah Y. obeyed what seems to be the unwritten Section 1 rule: You must bring your visiting fiance' to class. In characteristic fashion, before Prof. Ryan was able to begin his scripted greeting to prospective MBA students (you know the drill, "Are you shopping MBA schools?") Sharifah's beau quickly interrupted and explained his presence.
How many feel like the star of that award-winning Alka-Seltzer ad when you think of PharmaSim? Although teams have been very competitive and have protected their proprietary information with ferocity, I have learned of several crazy but well-researched strategies. Tom L's group decided to distribute OTC cold medicine in a new form. Citing an altruistic public health motive, his group includes several syringes with each package of liquid medicine. Apparently, his research staff has determined that an intravenous injection provides greatest efficacy.
Mark E's group has marketed the product north of the border with an advertising slogan that mirrors his home country's currency situation, "66% Relief". Meg H has designed a local promotion to provoke demand. She will distribute trial sizes of the multi-symptom liquid in mail folders of MBA students in rubber gloves. Cheryl F is convinced that celebrity endorsement will help her product.
Her celebrity of choice: James Bond who just beat out the lead singer of the MBA1 band, who again exposed her talents at Rick's over the weekend. George F consistently argues that the drug should aim to target males 30-45, the demographic he just entered. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Finally, Kathy W and Karen C were set to align their product with a perceived winner, their beloved Duke Blue Devil basketball team. After the team's defeat in Alaska, however, the duo had to re-align and switched to a more appropriate representation, the undefeated North Carolina Tar Heels.
In the last week, use of these holiday words or phrases will be amply rewarded and recognized: "snow angel", "mistletoe", "jolly" (cash reward, honest, for "holly jolly"), "January effect" (oops, slipped that finance term in there), "fa la la la la", and of course, "I'm going to party like its 1999".
Sorry for the brevity this week, but I have to attend to the crisis that is the entry of a 4-hour multi-symptom liquid designed for child use to the OTC market for cough & cold medication. Best of luck with the rest of the semester and best wishes for the Holiday break. (Those cover letters had better be out by then...OCD)
safisher@umich.edu, htkim@umich.edu
Secrecy and controversy. As I contemplate writing this weekís article in my state of delirium from lack of sleep, all I can think about is secrecy and controversy.
How many of you know that someone in our section is getting married over the winter break, but is trying to keep it a secret? No amount of bribery or ruffian behavior would make my confidant spill the entire beans. Could it be that he is having second thoughts after all? Or is he just worried that our wedding present might not live up to the in-laws expectations?
As to controversy, yikes! The last section news sent a ripple of disgust and a wave of praise our way. Certainly no harm was intended. Really. The request came from many places to speak the truth. Sorry for the offense. At the same time, don't you think that it was just a little bit funny? If so, then nod your head. (Oops! I couldn't help it.) A bit of humor goes a long way. Let's make the best of it.
For those of you who missed the Thanksgiving in Ann Arbor event at Phil's house, you missed out on some heated conversations about the advantages of being a man versus being a woman. Sally was outnumbered and after a few drinks was only able to make a few dismal arguments for the superiority of being a woman.
So, the men won this time but only by brute force. Now isn't that just typical male behavior! Some of their compelling arguments went something like, "We can pee out of the window of a moving car. Now just try to beat that!"
It appears we have a few sectionmates who will be spending the winter break celebrating the anniversary of their own birth. Many warm wishes go out to Kyle, Dayne, and Sang Yong. Lucky Federico, he gets to celebrate his birthday on the one free day in the middle of our marathon schedule for finals. Enjoy!
birdsonawire@hotmail.com
In response to consumer demand, which these non-global blue reps presume to be inelastic, we exotic birds put our beaks to the wire and concluded that Section 4 is one mighty sad, boring bunch. As such, we added a little poetic license to the column this week, challenged the status quo, and threw some new names into the mix.
Hot off the wire: Christina "I'm devastated" B was spotted entertaining three gentlemen on Main St. late one evening. Later one lucky gentleman (Section 1?) whisked her off to we-want-to-know-where in his Saturn. Do tell.
Crossed wires: It seems the social work connection has fizzled for a certain Matt "I think I'm being stalked" J but blossomed for Matt "rugby or die" M Will Matt M. be giving dating tips to his mates in Section 4?
Rumor has it - Shawn "looking for a woman" J hopes survey results will produce a sweet date for the holiday bash. John "phish food" D and Kathy "take a breath" C were seen sharing a burrito supreme at Taco Bell one afternoon. Or was it a gordita? Ken "happy as a clam" P will be spending the holidays in Belize (see, some men can find happiness at the B-school). Ted "I'm semi-pro" B and Otto "I'm pro" D have foregone their promising pro air-hockey careers due to devastating losses to two stick-shift-driving women. Rob "Velvet Beat's guitar stud" C has produced an upcoming line extension. Will it be Huggies or Luvs? Nick "I'll be dancing in a g-string by 2:00 a.m." H, after months of searching, may finally get lucky. Renee "hey, Scott, you've got a little something on your nose" R. exactly how old was that guy at Rickís? Sebastian "I have difficulty raising my hand" C may turn over a new leaf in 1999. Laurent "le rose" M, after one too many glasses of the Nouveau Beaujolais, showed his true colors and perhaps his penchant for cross-dressing. And finally, Fernanda "they'd like to eliminate blind people" D, Fabio "Brewmaster" F, and Rachel "I don't mind sitting on the floor" F, what are the real reasons for your chronic tardiness? Hum.
In closing, we'd like to extend several "Hails" to the Section 4 all-male flag football team for a job well-done despite losing in the playoffs to the dreaded dentists. Perhaps you'll have better luck with a co-ed team next year.
Well folks, you've sapped our creative juices. We hope you found this column was a little bit better than "the economic equivalent of one-night stand." Have a fantastic holiday and we'll catch-up with you fun-loving lot in 1999. Remember, you too can contribute to the gossip in this column, so get moving.
cochranm@umich.edu, ddattomo@umich.edu
Welcome back gentle reader. Deep Throat has not been heard from this week, having possibly been shamed into silence by the sheer vulgarity of his most recent column. (Although my personal guess would be a lack of motivation over any sort of sudden attack of moral conscious.) At any rate, it is time to step up on the curb, brush off the smut and lead the course for a kinder, gentler column.
Over the past three months the B-school mentality has silently crept into our lives. While at school this may have gone unnoticed. But over break, when we are out of our element some of these characteristics may become more readily apparent. To that end, the following is a list of the top ten indicators that you have become completely assimilated to the B-school environment (some sort of intervention may indeed be appropriate.):
1) You find yourself unable to sing the Twelve days of Christmas without calculating the net present value.
2) You find that you are unable to stand erect without the counterbalance of approximately 50 pounds of books on your back.
3) At midnight on the 31st as the crowd starts to sing you break into Hail to the Victors.
4) You go to all ends to avoid mistletoe for fear that you will read about yourself the following week in the local paper.
5) Instead of milk and cookies, this year you leave a supply chain diagram for Santa outlining the cost savings of improved logistics.
6) You make a point of using action verbs on all your gift tags.
7) You have transposed your holiday greeting card list into an Excel spreadsheet.
8) You feel a noticeable void from the sudden decrease in percentage of engineers.
9) You attempt to determine your position with respect to the curve and the mean on Santa's list of who's been naughty or nice.
10) You have entered "open gifts with family" as a group meeting in your palm pilot.
If you exhibit some or all of these symptoms fear not, I am looking into group counseling rates as we speak.
Have a great holiday break and a fantastic start to the New Year!
nsinel@umich.edu
and mvalenci@umich.edu
Our last column of the semester. Time is flying and Section 2 is taking advantage of our good times together. We definitely win the award for most socially improved section since last year. Rumor has it that Ann G and Patricia M are going to have a holiday potluck party the 15th or 16th so stick around and celebrate the end of the semester. They are certainly the hostesses this year, aren't they?
News from Jeff P...Whirleyball was a big success, even though it was during Brandmaps hell week. Apparently, there was some blatantly poor sportsmanship by Manny V (threw his stick at Jeff P) and by Mrs. Roth who scored a goal by throwing the ball (didn't use her stick). The Joe S., Jeff P, Matt M, Phil F, and Andy H team won every game and were THE team to beat. What a depressing Ohio State game. Manny V had a big shindig a BYOB,F,F (beer, food, friends) party. Rich P. actually attended the game we know you didn't rush the field that day or DID you?
Section 2 had fantastic turnout at the Monday night food fight party at Rick's last week. Notable attendee: Soo Jin. Other notables (the usuals): Jeff, Ann, Natasha, Joe, Nisha, Yuval, Rich, Mike K, Kate, Gerry, Elyse, Manny.
Congratulations to Kate M for graduating how many years have you been in school now, 8 in a row? Hopefully a good portion of the section will turn up for Kate's celebration party to see if she's still standing. We'll certainly miss you in classes Oh, that's right, you never went anyway...well, we'll miss you at Mitch's.
While we won't mention any names, apparently one of our handsome section mates has been seen swinging with a first year band member. How Velvet is that Beat, mystery man? Other unmentionable characters rumor has it that two (not one, but TWO) section mates are expecting. Is it something in the water?
In honor of the approaching holidays, I thought I'd fill y'all in on who's been naughty and nice...oh, wait! No one's BEEN naughty so far this year. Come on, single people! Get busy!
So here's some holiday cheer to those who have been nice (thanks to Chandra P for providing me with some ammo!):
Esteban S all of Section 3's frequent flier miles amassed on our various flybacks so that you can cash them in for a free roundtrip ticket to D.C. to see your woman
Mike L a bottle of aspirin and a gallon jug of water to help cure drunken-debauchery- induced hangovers (remember November?)
John M a scholarship to the Cordon Bleu cooking school (Ladies, are you reading? He's eligible, AND he can cook!)
Kickboxers Chandra P, Dana G, Laura R, and Connie D gift certificates for free massages after those killer workouts
Kevin F a set of markers so we can all draw on your cast!
Kevin P and Meg T. directors' chairs and megaphones, which will come in handy for running Follies '99
Ryan S a set of Dry-Erase markers because "sniffing them makes me more productive"
Mark D Heidi Fleiss' business card so you can compare and contrast the world's oldest profession, I-Banking, and consulting
Dylan P rug shampoo for the next time Jon B.'s dog comes over
Micah W a billboard loaded with pictures of the new baby
John K a subscription to Martha Stewart Living for the next time you're feeling domestic (sorry, ladies...he's taken!)
Marcus H clean boxer shorts
John G a guide to museums so that you can show off how cultured you are for Wendy's mom
Shonette H. (who's been VERY good this year) a ring box. Congratulations!
And me a watch with an alarm that sounds off before 1:45 (don't ask)
Last, but not least, wish the following December babies a happy birthday: ChaoLing C., Lisa D., Kurt P., David W., and the new Slon twins, arriving soon! Good luck with finals and happy holidays to all! We KNOW (ahem!) that now that much of the job search is over, we WILL see everyone out more...right?
cschust@umich.edu, estettle@umich.edu
Another two weeks have gone by, and Section 5 has again distinguished itself by its inactivity. We're convinced that everyone plays it safe so they will not appear in this column. However, a special kudos goes to Colleen M for her effort in organizing our section's food drive. Everyone, please congratulate her for a job that was very well done!
In other news, Mike N's wife is pregnant. Congratulations Mike! Heather L. is engaged, but she is waiting to buy the engagement ring until she determines what kind of ring causes the least amount of environmental damage to make. May we suggest an iron ring with a bedrock stone? And a word of warning, anything over three karats in bedrock becomes gaudy. Also, be careful that it doesn't rust!
In the continuing effort to enhance Michigan's thought leadership among top business schools, some anonymous women our section recently ranked the Section 5 men along some carefully chosen physical criteria. And here is the Section 5 Beefcake Update:
Don B was voted as having the cutest face. Most of us would probably agree that we've had to fight off the urge to pinch his cheeks at some point during business school. Tall Jorge was voted as having the best abs. Because of the nature of this article, the Section 5 women asked that Jorge be refereed to as tall Jorge instead of his usual name of Big Jorge to avoid any confusion. Sorry Jorge! I guess you didn't measure UP in all respects. There was a tie for best butt between Marcello D. and Matt S. There was a lot of debate on this one, and finally it was decided that it wouldn't be fair to pick one over the other. We recommend you check them both out for yourselves to decide whose is better.
Miles L. was voted as having the best overall stomach. Unfortunately, it's unclear to us what the difference is between "best stomach" and "best abs". This category is currently being evaluated by the rules committee for inclusion in next year's contest. Menno E. was voted as having the best thighs. All that needs to be said on this one is "Girls love short shorts". In a controversial ruling, Noah P. was voted as having the best forearms. Noah was almost disqualified because his intense lobbying might have biased the judges. However, in the end, it was decided that no one really cares about forearms, so why not give it to him? No one else wants it.
Drew C was voted as having the best biceps. In a clear sign of the high intelligence of our section mates, Drew ran unopposed in this category. Arik "Dirk Diggler" M. won the coveted "Best Other Part" award.
We understand that the losers in this category were quite upset and have resorted to wearing tighter pants and stuffing their shorts with socks. Please feel free to call Arik by his new nicknames, Kickstand or Tripod. And the winner of "Best Chest" and "Best Overall" is Scott M. Scott will formally change his first name to "Beefcake" over the holiday break. Until that time, please continue to call him Scott.
Because many of the people included in this list didn't appreciate being objectified, they nominated Eric S. as having the best butt while wearing a skirt. This article proves that we are always being evaluated, so don't forget to go to the gym. Also, Little Jorge wants to know who in our section has the best Chi-Chis. Please ask him what it means. We don't know. He'll give us a tally for the next column. Have a great break everyone!
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