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Time with family!
- Mike Blood, MBA1
Room service to the classrooms...
- Daniel Reif, MBA1
My two front teeth.
- Jason Weaver, BBA1
Peace and dean's list...Santa are you listening? I need this one...
- Janelle Renee Jenkins, BBA1
DEFINITELY... THE NEW 3COM PALM PILOT!!!! will be on my Christmas list. I feel like I'm the only one in the B-school who can't pull it out, flip it up and schedule my life away...
- Pilar Childs, MBA1
7. Linda Tripp hanging from the nearest Redwood tree (search for truth or attention?)
6. Kenneth Starr next to Linda Tripp (What in the hell does an adopted child from Romania have to do with Whitewater)?
5. Fewer Congressional Idiots
4. End of the NBA Lockout
3. A Lion Team Worth a Damn
2. Elimination of Operations Management as a Core Course
1. Jobs for all of my B-School comrades (aside from ensuring proper sustenance for all of my classmates, this gift would also eliminate the incessant whining that I hear in the student lounge).
- Marcus Hudson, MBA2
A PalmPilot, no doubt. I must be the last person in business school without one.
- Sam Schwarzwald, MBA2
A low pass in accounting.
- Rene Villegas, MBA2
When discussing which profession is a bigger sellout, consulting or I-Banking, Mark Dempster (MBA2) said, "Just remember...the oldest profession in the world is hooking. Every other service profession since then is just a variation on that one."
- Overheard by Jeanette Kao, MBA2
John Clem MBA1:, "There's a party going on in my pants and I was NOT invited!"
- Overheard by Anonymous, MBA1
"Hey PAL, you might want to use bullet points next time."
- Overheard in McElhaney's LHC 320 class
This was not overheard but rather overseen: 5 MBA1 guys from section 6, a laptop and a Pharmasim book piling into a Honda. These poor fellas had to go out in the rain and work on the their Pharmasim in a car due to Jon K. not feeling comfortable leaving his group alone in his house. Can you picture this? The car is rocking, steamed up windows, loud noises and these guys are claiming they were doing their Pharmasim project! Sounds a little fishy. Maybe this is another example of the lack of group study rooms at the B-school.
- Overseen by Anonymous, MBA1
Irina Doliov speaking about her verbal pre-nuptial agreement: "Yep, my husband and I have this verbal pre-nuptial. If I'm ever caught wearing those high-heel pink fur slippers around the house, it's immediate grounds for divorce."
- Overheard by Chris Parlamis, MBA2
European section mate's favorite expression: "Have you seen the library chick today? She is just soooooooooooo hot!!!!"
- Overheard 1000 times by Edvard Cock, MBA2
At the S.C. Johnson "Day in the Life" trip, the SCJ presenters had a trivia contest. One of the questions was "What is the slogan for the Dow Bathroom Cleaner scrubbing bubbles?" Tim Wainwright, MBA1, was overheard remarking, "I thought it was 'We go down so you don't have to.'"
- Overheard by Katherine White, MBA1
In the corporate strategy class, "Management of Alliances", 2 weeks ago, discussing how the partners of the companies that you partner with can have a negative effect on your performance and the outcome of your own alliances, the following wise comment was heard in class. "Yeah, that's right...the partners of your partners...that's how you get sexual diseases." (the exact comment was longer and not so direct but this was the basic idea).
- Overheard by Esteban Simian, MBA2
Prof. Ryan cold-called Fernanda Diniz (MBA1) in Marketing 501: "What is the goal of the Aravind Eye Hospital?" Fernanda replied: "To eliminate all blind people from the world."
- Overheard by Mike Vemdura, MBA1
When a number of MBA1's crossed paths with two native San Jose co-eds venturing between bars, they asked us what we were doing. Matt S responded "looking for fun" which brought their follow-up question "what kind of fun?" Unfortunately, Tim L's quick response of "Dirty fun" sent them hurriedly on their way thus limiting our first hand knowledge gathering of the local culture.
- Overheard by Fredrick Howard, MBA1
"I don't think I want to disclose that for free." - Professor D. Hirshleifer responding to student's question in Finance 622.
- Overheard by Pamela J.S. Anderson, MBA2
nakirk@umich.edu
I never met true Southern hospitality until August 15 at 7:21 a.m. in the morning on a U.S. interstate about 90 miles north of Nashville near the Kentucky border. I had driven over 800 miles the previous day and was eager to get home to Ohio and my family. Doing my best imitation of Dave Letterman in a Pathfinder, I had made it through Texas, Arkansas (NEVER stop at a Stuckey's truck stop in Arkansas) and most of Tennessee. My luck had held and I had not received a ticket - yet.
I was doing 90 (more like 92) in a 65 mph zone in light traffic when I saw the Tennessee state patrolman coming from the opposite direction, whip his car through the median and turn on his lights. (Expletive Deleted), I thought, how much will this cost? Even worse, the stories that friends told me about the movie Deliverance kept playing over and over in my mind. I had visions of being stuck in a scummy Tennessee county jail for days to "work off" my fine. In certain parts of Tennessee, people still disappear.
As the officer walked toward the car, I noticed him admiring my University of Michigan sticker. Hopefully he still wasn't angry that Woodson beat that pansy Peyton.
He asked for the usual ID and then asked me the classic question: "How fast were you going?" To which, of course, I answered by underestimating my speed by about 10 mph. He wasn't amused, "Look son, you were going 92. Now, it's about 7 a.m. and I see you are probably going back home. So be careful and keep it down." Keep it down. I'm going 30 mph over the limit and he lets me off without even a slap on the wrist. I was just spared a reckless operation charge, a speeding citation, at least $200, and a night in jail because someone taught this guy Southern hospitality. Or, had the officer met his quota and decided I wasn't worth the hassle? I would rather chalk it up to Southern hospitality. This column will work out better that way.
I love the South. Not because the local law enforcement know the thrill of screaming down the road recklessly with the sun roof open blasting whatever it is the Bose will play. I love the South because the local police know that it's wrong, and will let you do it anyway. Life's guilty little pleasures are appreciated in the South.
Like smoking. I've done it - I had a nicotine habit for years, and so do a lot of people I know. It will end up killing millions of people. But deep down when you're at the bar and you set down the Molson, what is the next thing you want to pick up? A cigarette. But then some health nut starts hacking and coughing for no reason and won't stop this childish production until you put it out or puff somewhere else. Do they not understand the relaxing pleasure of a Winston? A Marlboro? Odds are they don't. Nor will they ever understand. People in the South, on the other hand, have made millions off Joe Camel. Duke University? Tobacco money. Senators from North Carolina and Kentucky? Proud to be in the hip pocket of Big Money Tobacco. Of course, the tobacco lawsuits were started by the Attorney General of Mississippi, but I am sure in the end the whole mess will end up as a net/net for Philip Morris and UST. There's something odd about lawyers and tobacco both ending up in the win column together. Lawyers and tobacco: There's a carcinogen worthy of a warning.
Drinking is also a pleasure celebrated in the South. But in a different way. For example, when I first moved to Houston, I noticed that all the gas stations sold beers individually so you could literally buy one can in a brown paper bag and go. I saw secretaries do this, immigrant farm workers, executives-everyone was pulling into a convenience store after work, picking up a single beer at a gas station and drinking on the way home. Of course I am not condoning drinking and driving, just as much as I don't condone driving like a maniac down Southern highways.
My point is that the relaxed way of life in the South we hear about is true. People aren't as uptight in the South about the guilty little pleasures in life that help us get through the day. They realize that life is short and sometimes it doesn't pay to play it safe. Take a puff, grab a drink. Live life.
I know I've been a bad boy and I deserve coal in my stocking, but Santa, bring me a job in Dixie.
ignacior@umich.edu
I would like to make some comments about a recent "Columna Latina" written by Derek Martin, MBA2. I am sure that most Peruvians have different opinions about Human Rights. Most Peruvians will agree with me regarding "Welcome to my Peruvian news restaurant". We cannot compare Peru's situation with that of other countries in Latin American. No country in Latin America had to deal with terrorism in the way that Peruvians have done. Eight years ago, Peru was a country were everybody was afraid of bombs and murders. Nobody could live in peace because of these revolutionary movements. I would like to ask Mr. Martin where was Amnesty International when more than 100,000 innocent people were killed by terrorists, when teenagers were kidnapped and forced to join them because otherwise their families would be murdered? It has been 20 years since these terrorist groups began killing people for their own purposes and with no respect of Human Rights. The problem is more complex than to run some numbers and state, "Peru has one of Latin America's worst human rights records according to international watchdogs like Amnesty International".
prautenb@umich.edu
After receiving an insultingly small offer from one of the
top 10 companies in the Fortune 500 (the subject of a future column,
no doubt) I felt the need to drown my sorrows with a few cold
ones. I hadn't seen him enter, but after my second beer I noticed
that the guy next to me (a rather 
chubby sort) was clothed head to toe in bright red felt, with
a big black belt across his ample tummy.
This (strangely nondenominational) fellow had white hair, and a full bushy beard, and looked like he had been around the block a few times. Frankly, he didn't smell too good, either - kind of a gamey, musky smell, reminiscent of deer... He introduced himself as Nick, and told me he was in the delivery business.
That explained the rather large sack that he had on the floor next to him. He told me that this is the toughest time of the year for him - what with all sorts of people moving around and such. He even has to work Christmas Eve! Not that he minded, though - he mentioned that he's more of a pagan and has been celebrating the winter solstice for ages.
While Nick was off to the men's room, I noticed a list stapled to the outside of his big sack. Curiously, I noticed that I recognized a bunch of names, with delivery instructions c/o The Monroe Street Journal! Every time Nick ran off to the Men's room (frequently - frankly, he drinks more than his fair share) I was able to take a quick look at the list:
- Denise Banks, MBA1 - The patience of Job, the strength of Xena, and high-voltage cattle prod.
- The BBA News crowd - some attention, albeit undeserved...
- MSJ Managing Consultant Steve Brophy - A video cassette of The Big Red One to learn how to keep the new MSJ board alive, and a bullwhip to keep them in line
- MSJ Production Editor Mike Cardinale, MBA2 - Facial electrolysis to keep that 5 o'clock shadow in check.
- Frank Chong, MBA2 - Knowledge that there is life after the Asian Business Conference
- The Copy Editors - A kinder, gentler red pen.
- Bob Crespi, MBA2 - Some instruction on how to play the cowbell for the hockey games
- Julia Davis, MBA1 - A real place to live next year. Get this poor woman out of the dorm!
- MSJ Corporate Editor Mark Dempster, MBA2 - The insight that there actually are companies that neither consult nor have offices on Wall Street out there.
- MSJ Photography Editor Menno Ellis, MBA2 - Language lessons in the few he doesn't know, like Basque, Farsi and Swahili.
- The Evening News crowd - a "Dateline NBC" investigation into their expense reports.
- Pablo Galiana, MBA1 - A Zorro mask, cape and sword.
- MSJ News Editor Adam Gartenberg, MBA2 - a suit to replace the one he's worn out this term.
- Marcus Harris, BBA2 - A sedative, and a bit of sugar to remove some of that bitterness.
- Jonathan Histed, MBA1 - A pitcher of Steinlager, of
course, and a pizza like real Italians make (with spaghetti -
curious, those southern hemisphere Italians!)
- MSJ Publisher Ellen Hodo, MBA2 - A bunch of cats to herd once she's done with the MSJ. After all, she's had soooo much experience and she loves it so...
- MSJ Chief Copy Editor LaTres Jarrett, MBA2 - someone to make her eat her vegetables.
- MSJ Leisure Editor Andy Kim, BBA2 - A Dr. Luv Daddy™ wig.
- Nick Kirk, BBA2 - The Surgeon General's report on skin cancer and some blood-pressure medication.
- D. Greg Krikorian, MBA2 - Mark Dempster's passport and other identification.
- Derek Martin, MBA2 - A chance to appear (with bongos, natch) in one of those hip Mr. Jenkins ads for Tanqueray Gin.
- Karen Maruyama, MBA2 - Another UK basketball championship, since the Michigan cagers are pathetic this year.
- Asako Nagai, MBA1 - A new pair of Tevas with a pair of warm Polartec socks.
- MSJ Editor-in-Chief Chris Parlamis, MBA2 - A cell phone to keep up with her travels.
- DJ Phukan, MBA2 - Assertiveness training, so that he can come out of that shell of his.
- MSJ Sports Editor Al Reba, MBA2 - A "free range" chicken.
- MSJ Auto Editor Ryan Scott, MBA2 - A couple of laps in an Indy car.
- MSJ Technology Editor John Sebastian, MBA2 - The first Palm Pilot/Cell Phone/Pager/Car Alarm Remote.
- Section News contributors - Shakespeare's Hamlet, with this quote highlighted: "Brevity being the soul of wit..."
- MSJ Features Editor Alan Turkus, MBA2 - A full-time
job coordinating the UMBS Custodial Staff.
- Manny Valencia, MBA2 - The insight that the rest of the world doesn't work for him, and a few Y&S sandwiches from the lounge on credit.
- MSJ Business Manager Sonia Verma, MBA2 - Someone to follow her around and write down all the inane things she says for posterity.
I've already received my gift - working with a great MSJ staff for the last year! Best wishes for a safe and happy holiday season, and good luck to next year's Opinions Editor - Pablo Galiana!
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