S P O R T S & C L U B S

• The Sporting Views: How To Score On Valentine's Day by Patrick Mesa, MBA1
• Super Freak: Rodman, As Bad As He Is by Dave Segebarth, MBA

The Sporting Views

How To Score On Valentine's Day

Well, it's Valentine's Week so I thought I would let Cupid's vile little arrow drive straight through my column, causing an infection that will require several shots to the solar plexus. Now, by no means am I an expert on relationships, however, most relationships at one point or another face that struggle of a lack of communication. That's right, I'm talking about different levels of sports fanaticism.

Now, every couple is different. The levels to which the sports chasm exists varies. If a couple is asked what they think of SportsCenter, and the guy rants and raves about the show on ESPN, ranking his five favorite anchors and five favorite commercials while she gives directions to CCRB, this column is here to help. This column speaks to the women in this situation. It is not meant to stereotype, consider it more of a personal wish list.

Incidentally, the correct answers are: favorite anchor, Keith Olbermann; and favorite commercial, Charlie Steiner traded to Melrose Place for Andrew Shue.

Here are a few things the sports novices can do to further endear themselves and earn bonus points with their mates.

Initiate A Sports Conversation

The key to talking to a sports fan is to mention a topic and then let him rant. Just throw one of these sure-fire conversation starters out there and then agree with every thing he says:

"So, how about that Dennis Rodman, huh?"

"Who do you think is going to win the game?" (No need to be specific, fans always have a game in mind, they'll fill in the rest.)

"Man, can anyone turn the Jets around?"

"Did you catch SportsCenter last night?"

Find Out His Favorite Team

Easy to do, but then use that information to your advantage. Some ideas are to give gifts that are related to that team. A bonus would be to get tickets to the next game when that team is within driving distance. Always speak of this team with love and reverence. Fake it if you must. There is one rule about die-hard fans. They are allowed to criticize their teams. No one else is. No exceptions.

Try To Pay Attention To Names And Teams

This one builds off of the last point. Many fans speak of teams, players, and coaches like proud parents bragging about their children. It is very disconcerting when

every discussion must begin with a brief description of that player's or coach's background. Know the key teams, players and coaches. Even try to follow them, but that's really for the advanced course. You've got to crawl before you can walk.

Understand The Phrase, "The Game Is On"

If you try to call or visit or talk and it's not critically important, you may be face to face with, "Could this wait until later, the game is on." If what you wanted to say or do can be postponed, let the phrase roll like water off a duck's back.

It does not mean he loves you any less, it's just that, for many fans, when their favorite team is playing it is a religious experience. It's no coincidence that most NFL games are played on Sunday. Fans take wins and losses very personally. They are heavily emotionally invested and these games can uplift or destroy a person's day. Also, there is no such thing as taping the game and watching it later, so don't even ask.

In case you still do not understand, the appropriate translation would be, "I'm watching Melrose. I'll call during a commercial."

Finally, SportsCenter Is The Key

When you ask about the news, we think SportsCenter. Every time you feel you can't communicate, sit down for an hour and watch it. It's a crash course in the world of sports, and can often be very amusing. Start with the sports, then lead into the heavy discussion.

Those are the basics. Fellas, I'm sorry. I am about to violate that all-important, unspoken Guy Code. If this makes you uncomfortable, please read no further.

Section one dealt with earning points with your sports fanatic. Now we are on to section two - the advanced class. Or, how to exploit a fatal weakness to your full advantage.

First, we will deal with the subject of arousal. If you are in the mood and looking to include him, not that this is usually a problem, here is a tip. It is a fact that the most loved and most hated team in professional sports is the Dallas Cowboys. Regardless of this fact, every football-loving, 12-year old male has had a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader fantasy.

It is very much akin to the Princess Leia in Jabba's Lair fantasy. You could either just mention the cheerleaders, or find the outfit. I think you will be pleased with the results. Consider doing it soon, after all, this is a Valentine's article.

Secondly, coercion into manual effort. The fan's natural state is firmly planted on the couch, remote in hand. If you need him to do something or go somewhere that requires physical activity, here is a suggestion.

Every fan is different, so experiment with one of the following songs, one should do the trick. The theme from Chariots of Fire, Rocky, or Hoosiers, the music of NFL Films, or the opening theme to SportsCenter. I told you, SportsCenter is the key. One of these songs will motivate your fan to perform Herculean tasks.

Finally, dealing with arguments. If you find yourself on the wrong side of an argument (and despite what you think, it does happen), there are subtle ways to slip out of it without losing face. Start talking about the favorite team again, especially if its doing well.

Or try saying, "Oh my God, look at the time. I almost forgot, the game is on!" It does not matter what game. If you have extended cable, there is a game on, and once it is on, the previous half-hour shouting match will be forgotten. Or, if all else fails, turn on SportsCenter. SportsCenter soothes the savage beast.

One final tip: if you found this column first, do not share it. Consider it a competitive advantage. This way you can score all the points and your partner will be amazed at what a sensitive, caring individual you have become. In every relationship, communication is the key. Communication is not only what you say, but what you don't.

Glad I could help.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Super Freak

Rodman, As Bad As He Is

by Dave Segebarth, MBA1

A few weeks ago, Dennis Rodman was suspended for 11 games for kicking a cameraman in an area that most men would vote their least favorite place to get kicked. There is some controversy about whether he actually kicked him there, and if you look at the tape it looks like there could be a little acting going on. But this is besides the point. It was a flagrant assault on a man who was just doing his job.

Until this incident, I had always been a huge Dennis Rodman fan. As a Chicago native and long-time Bulls fan, I was thrilled when he came to the team. I knew that he would be an asset and that Phil Jackson could get the best out of him. And this was mostly true. The Bulls' Rodman is much more well-behaved and is more of a team player than the one from San Antonio. I used to like his bold personality and rebellious behavior. He was the bad boy: As Bad as I Want to Be, as his book stated.

But now, I think the guy is just a selfish, spoiled brat. His whole existence seems to revolve around doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I used to think this was admirable. He didn't care what other people thought, he was just living his life his way. But I have to draw the line when this philosophy includes causing harm to others. People who are admirable, like Michael Jordan, act in a way that others would like to emulate. But not Dennis.

He seems to be trying to atone for his sins, by giving the cameraman $200,000 and donating his salary for the next eleven games to charity. I guess that helps, but I wonder if he is truly sorry or if he is just buying his way back into our favor. In addition to kicking the cameraman, he put his team in jeopardy. But luckily, it looks like the team really didn't need him. (The Bulls were 10-1 without him.)

And sure, the Bulls will probably win another championship. They are, after all, the best team in league, and certainly the best basketball team in the history of the world. And Rodman will help out and I will appreciate it, but it won't be the same. I won't care if he gets his 20 rebounds per game anymore, or wait around to watch him throw his jersey at the end of the game. It will just be Dennis, the spoiled brat, another guy on the team.

When I think of this incident I am reminded of an anonymous quote I heard a few years ago that I think Dennis Rodman needs to hear, "It's nice to be important, but it's always important to be nice."