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As a guest columnist this week (a chance for me to say something without the whole class moaning, and a chance to bust on Tom G.), I would like to talk about "key success factors" for members of the B-school. Let's use Mike B.'s definition in OM as a starting point: "A key success factor is something that you need to do successfully in order to succeed." Intuitively appealing, but not exactly value-added. Here's my short list (to keep Prof. Talbot happy):
--For students in OM: Remember that when asked for your "bottleneck analysis", don't start with a description of Budweiser's new packaging design.
--For students nervous about exams: Sit next to Tom G. during finals week -- it's not easy to get an "Excellent" in every class that you've taken so far. Don't, however, ask what his MAP group's first choice is -- it's confidential -- and you might try to influence your group to do what Tom's doing.
--For professors: A the end of every class, say "take-a-way" at least three times. Studies show that excessive use of the phrase is positively correlated with all "5"s on evaluations later on.
--For recruiters: Don't send ding letters as follows (sent to me by Hallmark Cards, Inc.): "We appreciate the opportunity to interview you on our recent visit to the University of Minnesota ..."
The other day, I was doing a "back-of-the-envelope" calculation of my "insertion rate" since I've been here. To be perfectly honest, I would have to say that a more appropriate cost driver would for my cost accounting system would be my "manual insertion rate."
By the way, anybody want to bid with me for one of those OB professor dinners at the Habitat auction?
Stephanie Skolnik and Elizabeth Ellis
Well first of all, congratulations to the many Section 3ers who have virtually taken over UMBS club leadership, including Finance, Marketing, SRB, and Telecom. Ty W., vice president of excitement--membership should be skyrocketing. In recent weeks Section 3 also made a great showing at the Consulting and Hi-tech case challenges, with more than one team in both finals. Congrats to Jeff and Jon for being on the winning Hi-tech team.
Section 3 has also been active on the social scene. Whirleyball was a blast. Everyone should definitely join next time and have the opportunity to bruise their section-mates under the pretense of good, clean fun. And last week's Section 3-dominated party with Section 6 at Mitch's showed that Section 3 MAP team members will likely be the ones to say "let's finish this tomorrow and go out for a few." Jeff engaged in team leadership by demonstrating his shot technique.
Section 3 also had a great showing in The Follies (who knew Paul could rival Billy Joel?) and an even better showing at the after-Follies party at Stephanie's house, with hundreds of people jammed in the house dancing and drinking four kegs: and not leaving until 5am. The ever-resourceful occupants even managed to get some workmen who showed up the next morning to help clean up (and finish the keg...). And friends of Section 3ers also helped liven the atmosphere: Maggie's friends were hitting on all the women (didn't she know the guys here don't need competition from the outside?) and Rohit's friends (too wasted to be any competition) just broke things. The debut appearance of Dave L capped off Section 3's attendance. But too bad Luis wasn't there to look for non-committal engagements, like he did at Club Med.
Back in class, we're still hoping for Rob to give us all jobs as wordsmiths and sentence technicians and still waiting for Kurt to bring us cookies. And we have nothing to say about anyone in OM except that we recommend blow-pops for increased enjoyment. And don't let Glenn fool you, while he says he broke his ankle falling, sources tell us otherwise.
Remember, the Habitat for Humanity auction is tonight at 4pm. It promises to be lots of fun. And, on a parting note, pay your damn dues or you'll be paying for your own beer!
by Steve Weinstein, Bill Champine, and Don Ritucci
Ok, since Amy and Christopher are sitting this one out, it's time the gloves came off! Having seen the Follies we can all now appreciate the sexual frustration of the lonely MBA student. Well, not all of us. Brian T. hasn't had to worry. He has a statistically sound way of choosing his dates. While the mean of his dates have been his age, the variance has been huge! Brian, haven't you learned that large variances can be risky? Of course there is Juan H. who hasn't subscribed to Brian's technique and has chosen to stay on one side of the age spectrum -- can she vote yet? And let's not forget Mayor Mike K. We know you want women to believe that you're a nice guy, but we know that you're just a mommy's boy.
Moving on to our international students, let's thank them for their insight into the culture of foreign enterprises. Thanks Jose L., Sada H. , Cenk E., and Andy Hove (hmmm...??). The pot luck dinner was a great success. It was even better than "Boowger King." Good job Jenn W. (and Jim B.). Jim B. looked great in the French maid outfit, or so Jenn says. Michelle W. has been bouncing off the walls lately. She has a bunch of offers already. Way to go Michelle, and thanks for letting everyone know.
The men's b-ball staggered into the playoffs with an 0-3 record. Point guard Robby B. is the team's leading scorer averaging 3.5 ppg. Will someone explain the difference to Ray T. between dribbling a b-ball and handling a hockey puck? What do the drinking age and the speed limit have in common? We don't know, but everyone broke the speed limit on the first finance exam and no one broke the drinking age on the second.
Fact or Fiction: You be the judge! Martha M. and Lynda F. are bidding for Duane H.'s football clinic. Judah L. was dinged for a "Mousketeer" position and still holds a grudge. Will J. hasn't fallen asleep in class in over 3 weeks. Prof. Lanen was an ex-Navy SEAL and has a tattoo that says "I love Nancy Reagan." Gautam's left ear is not the only part of his body that is pierced. Amy S. ran out of questions this semester because her Duracell battery went dead. One of our section mates dumped his fiancee for his best friend's girlfriend, and another dumped his fiancee for his fiancee's best friend (Bill C. and Christopher P.--you match 'em up). Dean White is considering a total restructuring of the OM core requirement (what a shame), however the SGA has suggested just supplying airplane pillows to each student. Thats all folks!
by Kurt Cumming and Sue Schroeder
It's not even Spring yet and love has blossomed in the air for Section 5. Over the holiday break, Stephanie J. became Stephanie Dorah; Hiro T. got hitched; and Dan B. came through to complete the "I do" hat trick. We are now accepting bets on who will fall next: JuanJo B. and Sheila F., or Sue S. and a certain finance professor. It seems that the mating dance demonstrated by Professor Paul Seguin last week had an intoxicating effect on Sue, who in the middle the class yelled out, "So Paul, what are doing Friday night?" Did anyone tell her that class participation grades are for in-class contributions only?
On the social front, our whirlyball game on Thursday provided some intense action! Tige "Out of the core, out of mind" S. nearly had an out-of-body experience when he hit the wall going about 40 mph. Billy G. acted like an crazed linebacker, but according to Deb H., the large bruise she suffered clearly shows that Tricia A. was the brute of the bunch. You better watch out for those quiet ones. Top scoring honors go to John S., who under intense defensive pressure, was as cool as a BBA girl to a desperate MBA guy when he turned in an impressive hat trick.
It appears that the spirit of whirlyball has infected our class discussion, especially in OB. When Bral S. could not accept the fact that the entire OB case wasn't about the quantitative effects of ambient temperature on car engines, Kofi B. pleaded "just let it go man, accept the fluff!"
Of course, we can't conclude this column without mentioning the internship interview process. In the spirit of true teamwork, we have listed the top 5 things to remember during this stressful season:
5. It's a great opportunity to improve your "block out" skills for basketball when preventing your peers from talking to interviewers at a company dinner.
4. When a recruiter asks why you should get hired, reply "I'm cute enough, cocky enough, and by golly, I like me!"
3. This is a perfect time to leave class early or come to class late - even if you don't have an interview.
2. When a consulting firm offers you a job, scream "Show me the money!"
1. And if all else fails, start to practice asking "Would you like fries with that, sir?"
Part II
Voting ends tomorrow for the SGA elections, so please support our sectionmates in their quest to be the next slew of campus leaders! Kofi B. is running for V.P of MBA Affairs, Tige S. is shooting for V.P. of Finance, and Billy G. is nominated for V.P of Communications. Good luck to all of you! Speaking of elections, did anyone see the rather large ad placed by Todd B. For SGA President? Well, who could miss it. What ever happened to "team player"?
Congratulations goes to the Section 5 men's basketball team for advancing to this week's playoffs! Kofi B., Dan S., Bart B., Dave W., Jamie, and Bral S. Have made us proud with their NBA-caliber play. Next game is tomorrow night, so come on out and support the group!
Shifting gears, for those of you who didn't attend The Follies two weeks ago, you missed one of the best weekends at the B-school! Flavia B. brought down the house with her awesome voice when singing "Kiss the Butt of the Teacher Man." After the Follies, she laid down the lyrics with the band who performed at the post-party at Rick's. Claudia L. showed why she used to be a Notre Dame cheerleader and dancer for the Chicago Bulls with moves that would have left the rest of us with either a groin pull or sprained ankle. Who knew that Andrew H. could be such a good nerd as demonstrated during the "Mystery Corporate Presentation" skit? "Kotter, a professor from Harvard ..." Yours truly (a.k.a. Shaka Sue) did a freestyle rap with dancers that concluded with Dean Ted Snyder dancing on center stage and the crowd chanting, "Go Dean!" Diane L. has completely changed the meaning of the four marketing "P"s. Her hilarious skit highlighted the four key things women should search for when looking for the right man: Personality, Paycheck, Pecs and Package! For those of you who have chosen a career in brand management, interviewing will never be the same! I hope more of you will show off your "hidden" talents at The Follies next year! Until next time, good luck in interviews, finals and remember: Spring Break is only a week and a half away!
Amy and David, in the B-school tradition of passing the buck, have asked me to fill in during this busy period and lend an outsiders perspective on interviewing. But first the news ...
Roberto B. in a display of goodwill and an attempt to improve the curriculum, gave the beloved Prof. Andrews a book on statistics. The professor thanked Roberto profusely during our forecasting class and let us know that he is going to make it required reading in the core. We'll make sure the MBA1s know who to thank next year, Roberto. Congratulations on the "Gunner of the Week" award, the gift certificate and commemorative plaque are in the mail.
The interviewing is taking its toll on Section 6's case prep. Anthony R. began a vicious chain reaction of five unprepared section mates in OM. As one after another was cold called, they stated "I'll have to take a pass." Were they referring to starting the case or their course grade? This caused Prof. Reece to wonder aloud if the National Cranberry case was deemed optional reading. After his commentary on OM professors, however, "you don't think we would be here if we could hold a real job," no one was too concerned about the debacle.
Chopo G., as always, was good for entertainment when he elicited from Prof. Vargus, "look Chopo, don't go bizarre on me ... just forget all that crap." Thank you professor for saving the section from its fringe tendencies. This follows the professor's previous comment on our eloquent response to why John Deere needs to change its cost accounting system, "Automation, that's a word. Let's see if we can wrap that around a sentence."
Patience among sectionmates is wearing thin as Greg G. responded to Kishore K., "That's a vague and useless comment." Hey Greg, try decaf (at least until interviewing is over).
Dennis G. helped out the single people in our OB section when describing his management style. "I find that you gain their trust first, then you dictate. It works in dating too." Dennis you don't mind if we get your wife's opinion on that do you?
To fulfill my charge as an outsider on the interviewing process -- the most obvious affect of interviewing is it has turned our classrooms into an endless game of musical chairs. The doors to Hale look like the Tokyo subway at rush hour as well-dressed, job hungry section 6er's push past each other on their way to OCD. When we first got here we were all equals. No one knew enough about each other's background to make any serious judgments. Since then, the discussion has turned to grades, who's on what closed list, are they going consulting, marketing or finance, and who has an offer. So begins the unfortunate stratification of the section. One thing to bear in mind through this barbaric process is that the difference between the have's (those with a job) and the have not's will widen as time passes. So when you speak of your success, temper it with compassion for those still enduring the gauntlet you've survived.
And lastly ... now that the professors have finally seen what a natural fiber suit looks like will they be all the rage in the faculty lounge?
by Greg Lipper and Perry Irish
History was made in the halls of UMBS last week: Dharam R. missed a class! This is probably just the beginning of Dharam's slackerdom.
Ricardo hasn't been seen around school ever since his girlfriend, Sondra, arrived to take an Exec. Ed. program last month. That goofy smile on his face says it all. We understand that Sondra is having trouble staying awake in her Exec. Ed. classes--anyone know why?
Steve N. sets the record for the most distant flyback: Hong Kong and Singapore. Rumor has it he was just trying to enjoy some warm weather. Brendan B. Comes in second for his flyback to Alaska. Rumor has it Michigan wasn't cold enough for him. Apparently he's trying to get McKinsey to open an office in the Northwest Territories.
John L. has generously volunteered to judge the Valentine's Day bake-off in a last-ditch effort to find a date for Valentine's Day. Apparently he failed to find any takers after he advertised for a date through his food column (John, we told you not to take "9-1/2 Weeks" too literally.)
Greg L. received special recognition from the professor during Finance 614' last week. The professor could not help but notice that Greg had repeatedly contradicted his teammates during lecture. The red-faced Greg left class wondering whether he should have considered law school. Greg's explanation for this conduct: "That's what happens when you find yourself repeatedly getting into arguments -- and losing them -- with your 3-year-old daughter."
Ena S.'s heart is still pounding from an incident last week in CS 742. Apparently the professor turned to the guest speaker and asked him to spend the next 15 minutes addressing a huge list of issues the class had just compiled. Ena, sitting right behind the speaker, thought the request was directed at her until the speaker began talking. The
cold-call from Hell!
In closing, there's a big romance within Section 1, but it would be gauche to reveal it here, so that's it for this week! All we can say for now is that one of those involved has appeared in this column before...
by Marq Williams and Stephen Lovass
Warning: If you have not already bought your yearbook, we will hunt you down like a resource, tie you up like a framework and repeatedly read off all of your rejection letters. We already know who you are and we know where you live. So do not think we won't do it. Currently, our section is tied for fourth place with 35 sales. That would not be bad if we had several hundred sections, but we only have seven (including the exchange/evening section). Let's shoot for number one. Buy your yearbooks now. You'll get a higher return and more lifelong use from it than from your $50+ coursepack.
On the lighter side, the results are back from the section survey of what you will do with your signing bonus. The Top Twelve responses are as follows:
12) Go to Disney World!;
11) Go to Amsterdam's red light district (some people just can't get enough);
10) Buy a new suit for myself and some jewelry for my wife (Does Hal's wife read these columns?);
9) Laugh at the small amount and then blow it on chocolate;
8) Can you say Romantic Honeymoon in Chile?;
7) Really experiencing what the term "liquidity" is all about by spending it in record time;
6) Travel to Egypt, South Africa, Singapore, Zimbabwe, India, Australia, Hawaii, etc ... (Just make sure you send postcards, Rohan);
5) Party at Rick's (and possibly pay off my bar tab);
4) What signing bonus? Some of us still have to get one, some can't plan on it until they get it in hand with their first paycheck, and others have no idea what it is;
3) Three words: Credit Card Debt;
2) Spend some quality time alone. Unfortunately, I am single. :( Somebody please find Leo a date!);
And, the number one response was to buy a fireplace to burn all those letters stating, "We enjoyed meeting you, but ...."
And finally, the section mates' birthdays for the month of February: Cesar and Marq (2/1), Jeff W. (2/2), Felipe (2/5), Haddas (2/14). Happy Birthday!
by Kevin Gross
Amy asked me to write the column this week about Section 3's participation in the Follies this year (I think she really just wanted to get out of writing the column this week). For those of you who saw the show--thanks for coming. For those who didn't, well, too bad. You missed a good performance. Section 3 definitely had its share of people in key roles during the show. Liz choreographed all the dance numbers and even performed in a few of them, including the opening number which got the crowd fired up for the show. (A crowd which was much more sober than last year, I might add.) John L. did his part as director of the band Prozac Jack. Jo kept everything moving backstage as Tech Director. Lew and I were "creative consultants with no official responsibility," which really meant that we could have all the fun but didn't have to worry about the details. (Actually that's what we've been doing for the last 2 years.)
Section 3 also had its share of stars in the show. I'd have to say the highlight was Bruce dropping his pants to reveal an adult diaper. "I've got 3 cups of coffee in these babies." Of course, those of us watching it on TV in Phelps got a little more than we wanted when the camera went in real close. The Johns (Levisay and Lawniczak) kept us entertained as problem children in the video "Cops at the B-school" and with real scenes from their couch. (Was it just me, or did that whole skit seem a little too real.) Sherry did double duty, starring in a couple of scenes and helping with tech in between, Marcy showed us she really is a "Material Girl," and Lew "Was that every other or every third scene you were in"? Lew also gets the award for showing his vertical smile not once, but twice during the show--and that beer belly looked pretty realistic! Sabrina wasn't expecting to be in the show but got called up on stage for a rap song about how she "needs a man," and though no one from Section 3 was in "MAP Massacre," I could swear I saw that same look on Craig's face a couple of times.
By the way, does Scott talk about pornography in all his classes or just Internet Marketing?
by Rob Adams, Scott Boyd and John Cochran
Our section is so split up this semester, we will try to use this to get caught up on some events and people. Almost all of us have our jobs set -- can you believe we were able to fool those recruiters from so many different companies (especially Tim). André has announced plans to teach a seminar on resolving problems in the work place. All attending are advised not to make any plans subsequent to the program.
It seems as if there will be quite a bit of our section moving to the Chicago area after graduation. There are a couple of items related to this which all the future Chicagoans should be aware. First, Potter has posted a job on M-track to be baby Ben's nanny and live with Missy while he's out of town consulting. Secondly, rumor has it that Christy and Susan are on the prowl again. So, if you know anyone, anywhere who might have any potential (or the requisite physical attributes), please send these ladies a detailed e-mail (picture attached). Speaking of on the market, Chip W. has ... well, you'd better just ask Chip. But if he's uncooperative, there's a lovely first year lady who may be willing to "kiss and tell."
David B. was recently seen to be in quite a hurry. When asked why, he said that he was late for an appointment in the pool. Apparently Big-D is learning how to "dive." Or could it be some new form of creativity training? Speaking of creativity, several of us recently experimented with meditation in the Managing Creativity course. While most of us found it interesting, Peter L. may have had a breakthrough -- he may have found his true self. Given this, please approach Peter with a certain level of caution.
Last semester Terry was quoted as saying that he was going to take it easy this winter and enjoy the little time we have left. On the other hand, there are reported sightings of Terry checking into the library for his regular 8 to 5 sessions on Friday. For this Friday's session, Terry, we assign you a dissertation on the term "Slack." Congratulations to all Packer fans in our section on a fine Super Bowl victory. Our section's biggest fan, Green Bay's own Ben "the Cheese" R., has been spending quite a bit of time in the chilly north. An unconfirmed report has Ben having purchased a ticket to Lambeau Field and sitting in the stadium for somewhere between four and six hours when there wasn't even a game. Tim "Sure, I'll Be There" S. has been as hard as ever to locate. Reports are of unusually high phone bills. Speculation is rampant about 1-900 numbers (and multiple girlfriends, none of which he can commit to). Anyone else who wants on Tim's list?
Vehicles have been a hot topic in the section recently. As a follow-up on the recent report about Kari's new car, the latest is that it hurts Glen's (her husband's) back. If anyone has any suggestions, please pass them along to Kari. Our suggestion is to stop using the seat that way. Joel has recently been making calls about long-term Winnebago rentals and is preparing to put his house on the market. While this seems like a novel plan, we are wondering what D&T's clients are going to think about having a Winnebago parked at their offices and a consultant who sleeps in the parking lot. Brooke has taken an interesting approach to car care. While working out at the gym, and hearing an announcement over the loud speaker that a car fitting the description of hers was on fire in the parking lot, Brooke decided she might as well just finish her work out. Speaking of Brooke, she has been reported as incoherently making some new friends at Zanzibar.
It seems as if the onset of the second semester has caused people to go wild with their facial hair. Recent developments have been Tim, Scott M., Sergio, and Rick. Are there others lurking nearby? If anyone would like to offer their thoughts on any of these faces please let us know (we are actually kind of frightened by some of them). Spring break plans are slowly being announced. It seems that once Becky and Christy put the word out they were headed to Club Med, male bookings at the Cancun resort increased four-fold! Schlachty and Moomaw have opted for European culture in Amsterdam, but we all know the true reason why they're going there. Ah, come on, we meant up in smoke!
Is anybody else missing Walter's editorials in the MSJ? Is it really worth reading anymore? Is there some way he can be brought back as a guest editorialist? Rumors are persistent about possible participants in this year's Naked Mile. It remains to be seen who will actually run, but it is guaranteed to be interesting. There are plans for regular tee times for the entire month of April. Get your name in early as demand is expected to be high. One last note for all of us: our time left here at U-M is limited, so take the time to enjoy the experience and the time to share with friends before we all head our different directions.
by Leslie Kurzik and Joanna Prokosch
We hope all you checked out our own cast members in The Follies, especially: Brian's real Texan self exposed in "B-school cops"; Greg getting revenge on Chicago for dinging him in Chariots of Fire; Joanna fulfilling her life-long dream of being Linda Cohn in "Sportscenter"; and Astrid cutting some rug in the opening dance.
Marc A. is continuing his quest to satisfy his curiosity with insightful questions. In marketing research, his question was so brilliant that the professor answered with "Well, ... that's actually an incorrect question."
Ken M.'s birthday celebration at One-Eyed Moose was quite an event -- lots of booze, cigar smoking, pool (how 'bout that team of Ken and Joanna; they kicked everyone's butt) and of course late night at Fleetwoods.
Don't go looking for Leslie, Joanna, Marla, Kevin, Claudia, Candace or Andy on any ski slope or beach over break, they are all heading overseas with Prof. Lawlor's Global Projects course. It seems that section five just wants to keep traveling, as Marla, Melissa and Trina will head to S. Africa this summer with the African Business Development Corps.
Hats off to John H. and his recent performance downtown at Espresso Royale. Keep your eyes open for his CD in stores soon ... And finally, a big "Good Job" to Andy and Rene for their huge role in the 1st annual West Coast Forum.
by Augie Kesler and Heather Deluca
Due to a lack of effort on the part of our (n)ever dedicated Global Blue representatives, we've been asked to review all of the Section 6 social events and intramural sports teams to date ... Thank you and keep up the hard work.
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