|
N E W S |
|---|
|
|---|
 |
| Lush-ous: Herb Kelleher, empty glass in hand, had a good ole
time last summer at the 25th anniversary celebration of the airline he
founded, Southwest Airlines Co. The event, which took place in Dallas,
was attended by MBA Evening student Tommy Dodge (pictured here with Kelleher)
and other luminaries, such as tax-evader Willie Nelson and funny-man Jay
Leno.
Photo courtesy of Tommy Dodge |
by Erin Markey, MBA1
Upon the announcement that Herbert D. Kelleher, President of Southwest Airlines, checked into the Betty Ford Clinic for alcohol treatment yesterday, Dean White and SGA President Bjorn Haines have revoked the 1996-1997 Leadership Award that was bestowed upon him in Clayton G. Hale Auditorium on March 14.
Although some students and faculty were surprised by the announcement, people who attended the award presentation were not. "I'm out of my normal environment, because I'm sober and I'll remember what I'll say today," said Kelleher when he received the award two weeks ago. Upon accepting the award in Hale and discussing his leadership philosophy, Kelleher asked the audience, "Do you really want to be remembered as the person that attended the most cocktail parties?" while admitting, "I am tempted by it."
Dean B. Joseph White first publicly expressed his concern that day: "You're a clear and present danger to the world's business schools." To this Kelleher replied, "Yeah, but I've got the world's bars behind me." Today, responding to the announcement that Kelleher had checked into the Betty Ford Clinic, Haines said that "Kelleher's comments in Hale first raised the UMBS community's suspicions that perhaps he was not the role model we perceived him to be."
During his acceptance speech in Hale, Kelleher also noted that leaders have the ability to recognize that in life "you ought to go surfing and drink a lot of beer." Today, Dean White said, "Beer is for wimps. Leaders can handle liquor, such as I did at Rick's when I threw back those shots of tequila and Jagermeister upon the announcement of the 1996 BusinessWeek rankings."
Even though SWA has long been noted for its low airfares, employee empowerment, and superior customer service, industry insiders have long suspected that Kelleher built the airline to support his drinking habits. During the $13 fare war, now considered a textbook case of the airline's "innovative practices," the airline offered fares of $13 or fares of $26 plus a free bottle of whiskey, and became, according to Kelleher, "the nation's largest distributor of liquor." It is also believed that Kelleher championed the airline's strategy of short flights in order to serve his drinking companions' needs who preferred to enjoy a few cocktails in the air for a couple of hours rather than have to drive four to five hours and worry about getting a DUI citation.
The Dean's Office and SGA are in the process of reevaluating who will now receive the 38th Annual Business Leadership Award. Among the top contenders is Mother Theresa, who, according to Haines, "has led people out of poverty and doesn't have any vices that could lead to revocation of the award. All she has to do is hang onto her health and make the trip from Calcutta--and the award is hers."
 |
The Bundler: Business Economics Professor David Butz believes
that Dean White's Value-Driven Pricing model fairly calculates the bundle
of goods offered by UMBS.
Photo by Chopo Gomez-Zoebisch |
by Michael Krivan, MBA2
Dean B. Joseph White announced yesterday that tuition for University of Michigan Business School students would rise 30% in the 1997-98 academic year in response to the B-school's climb in the BusinessWeek rankings. Nonresident and resident tuitions for MBA students will jump from $23,000 to $29,995 and from $16,850 to $21,995, respectively. Nonresident BBAs' tuition will be $24,995--up from $19,338; residents will pay $8,495--up from $6,522.
"It's simple economics," White explained. "The value of a UMBS degree has skyrocketed since the BusinessWeek rankings were published. Our students will be earning top dollar when they graduate. The preliminary results from compensation surveys certainly bear this out.
"In addition, we've augmented our world-class faculty, our facilities have undergone major improvements, we're about to break ground on a state-of-the-art building, and the student body promises to be even more outstanding next year as the number of applicants rises," he said. "Somebody's got to pay for these improvements, and I think it's only fair that current and incoming students foot the bill."
The dean considered levying an assessment on graduating MBAs and BBAs, but members of his advisory panel "couldn't agree on a fair method of charging outgoing students," White said. "One camp wanted to deduct a flat fee from students' signing bonuses, the other was in favor of a percentage of first year salary. In the name of team performance and morale, and after many consultations with the MAP Doctor [Susan Mills], I decided to abandon the idea and refocus the team's efforts on calculating the right price for next year." (White's legal staff also discovered that such assessments violate U-M bylaws.)
Value-Driven Pricing
White's cadre of faculty members and administrators working on the tuition issue, dubbed by White the "Dean Team," was led by Marketing Professor Venkat Ramaswamy, who used his groundbreaking pricing model known as "value-driven pricing" to arrive at the correct tuition level.
Value-driven pricing (VDP) is based on the simple but powerful concept that price should be derived directly from the good's value to the end-user. In the case of tuition, said Ramaswamy, the key is to compare the average starting salary of 1997 graduates with that of 1996 graduates. Results of such a comparison showed salaries rose by a whopping 25%. Ramaswamy also took into account the value of the new facilities and faculty, both of which, he said, add value to the end user.
Ramaswamy created VDP during a consulting engagement with Rohm & Haas in 1987. That year, Ramaswamy was hired by Rohm & Haas to study the failed launch of Kathon MWX, a metalworking fluid biocide. After he discovered that Joan Macey, the marketing executive placed in charge of the breakthrough product's launch, had drastically underpriced Kathon MWX, Ramaswamy set about developing a formula for deriving the right price. Dozens of articles and consulting engagements later, Ramaswamy's VDP has taken its rightful place on the forefront of pricing theory.
Other Dean Team members offered additional support for the tuition hike.
Business Economics Professor David Butz claimed that "the price for the bundle of goods offered by the UMBS is fairly calculated under VDP. It's a far cry from the CPI, which has been systematically overestimated for decades to the detriment of baby boomers like myself who are forced to pay excessive taxes to fund the inflated Social Security payments of silver-haired Floridians who golf all day and play pinochle all night. You don't want to get me started."
Competitive Pressures
IB Professor Mary Yoko Brannen warned that not hiking tuition would send the wrong signal to overseas applicants and their sponsoring firms. "If Harvard or Wharton beats us to the punch on this 'tuition upgrade,' the UMBS will lose face. Prospective international students, especially those from Asian countries, will interpret our relatively meager tuition as an indicator of poor quality."
"And if we raise tuition to $30,000 in response to another top program," added Corporate Strategy Professor Will Mitchell, "we'll lose our first mover advantage. We'll look weak and pathetic. That would be bad."
"As the market for business school education becomes more competitive and global, we need to maintain our position as a top-shelf, leading-edge provider of business education," said White. "This tuition increase is a strong, clear signal to our competitors and prospective students that the University of Michigan Business School is at the head of the class."
The dean also announced that he will be spreading the word about the B-school's new super-premium positioning during a three-month world tour that will include stops in San Juan, Puerto Rico; Acapulco; the French Riviera; Phuket Island, Thailand; Sydney, Australia; Bali; and Rio de Janeiro.
"It's good to be the dean," White remarked.
 |
 |
 |
Love-ly: The ever-so-tasteful Courtney Love will deliver this year's Commencement address. |
by Steven L. Pessagno, MBA1
This year's scheduled UMBS commencement speaker, Wall Street mutual fund magnate David Alger, backed out on his commitment two weeks ago, causing the Commencement Committee to scramble for a replacement ever since.
"Life's been hell," admitted the Committee's Chair, OBHRM Professor Susan Ashford, with a sigh. "But we really pulled together as a team," she continued with increased vigor in her voice: "We stopped, took some deep breaths, mapped out a Congruence Model of the Committee, and came up with a replacement that should suit everyone--a real show-stopper, if you will."
Indeed. Courtney Love, lead singer and guitarist of the alternative rock band Hole, will deliver this year's Commencement address to the B-school's 1000 graduating MBAs, PhD students, and BBAs.
"I'm so f***in' psyched about this!" screamed the foul-mouthed singer--turned mom--turned recovering drug addict--turned actress. Reached in a phone interview from Baltimore, where she is helping that city's mayor, Kurt L. Schmoke, promote his innovative needle exchange program for heroine addicts and push his drug-legalization agenda through the Maryland General Assembly, the quintessential "riot grrrl" continued:
"I mean, s***, I've gotta lot of advice to give. Sure, I've never f***in' done this before. But, why the f*** not? I'm a workin' mom, and I'm a damned good businesswoman. Hell, I make more dough than any of you f***ing business school f***s will ever make."
Love is not exaggerating. According to the Recording Industry Association of America, her band's last album, 1995's "Live Through This," sold several million copies. Music critics cited the album as one of the best albums released that year. Her burgeoning career as an actress is off to an auspicious start as well. Although she was snubbed by the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences for her lauded supporting performance in "The People vs. Larry Flynt," the Academy did invite Love to present an award at last week's Oscar ceremonies.
"I'm so f***in' critically acclaimed I can't stand it," remarked a boastful Love, whose bleach-dyed blond, unkempt hair and f***-me-red lipstick burns a lasting image in most anyone's mind.
Dashed Expectations
However, not all students seem to agree that Love is a satisfactory graduation-speaker alternative to Alger--the president and CEO of his eponymous Wall Street investment management firm (Alger Management, Inc.), which has over $7 billion in assets.
"WHAT!?! You can't be serious!" exclaimed an astonished Brian Ng when a reporter solicited his reaction to the groundbreaking news. "It's a disgrace. She's a mockery to decency--what every business school student should aspire to. She's greedy and morally repugnant--just gross. I just can't believe this. Are you kidding? I spent $80,000 for ... for ... for Courtney Love?"
You got it. Courtney Love...the woman who made so-called kinderwhore dresses a fashion statement ... the woman who cursed out a mournful audience of hundreds who had gathered in the pouring rain in Seattle to hear her eulogize her husband, Nirvana's Kurt Cobain, after he had stunned the music industry by taking his own life by gunshot ... the woman who Vanity Fair alleged shot heroin into her veins while pregnant with her daughter, Frances Bean.
A Poor Choice?
But not all students, and faculty for that matter, share Ng's sentiments. "To tell you the truth, I think she's kinda groovy," said Business Economics Professor Valerie Suslow. "At least we know we won't be getting a dud."
Ashford added that "Love's music is quite powerful if you can bear to listen to it. The intensity of her voice is amazing--it's downright gripping. But it can also be very subtle--like in that song about baby doll parts, or whatever. My daughters love Hole. And they say that Courtney Love is cosmopolitan--they call her Miss World."
Asked to comment on the woman who will be taking his place at the podium in Chrisler Arena, Alger said, "Well, that's a darn good choice, if I dare so say myself. Now there's a woman who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. She's the perfect role model for business school students."
According to an apologetic but matter-of-fact letter sent by Alger to Dean B. Joseph White, Alger is foregoing the UMBS Commencement address to take a much-needed vacation in Jackson Hole, Wyo.
"Joe," the letter begins, "I regret to inform you that I will not be able to honor my commitment to speak at graduation. I have just finished starting up three new mutual funds worth $2 billion, and really need to spend some quality time with my sons and daughters and their sons and daughters. I need a family vacation, and will be in Jackson Hole on May 2 so I can kick back and help my daughter open an upscale restaurant. I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding a speaker of good moral fiber to instill leadership into your fine graduates."
As for moral fiber, MBA2 Kimberly Meyer guffawed: "Look. Love is a hussy. That's all there is to it. But she should give one helluva speech."
"Maybe I'll sing the f***in' thing. Yeah. You tell 'em they might just get a concert instead of some borin' f***in' speech," Love said in between audible drags on a cigarette.
Show Him The Money
In fact, this is exactly what the B-school seems to have planned all along. A March 27 internal memorandum from Senior Associate Dean Edward "Ted" Snyder to Professor Ashford that was obtained by The MSJ reads:
"Good work, Susan. This will be a win-win situation for the students, their family and friends, and the faculty--but, really, for the school. We'll fill Chrisler Arena to capacity by selling tickets through Ticketmaster for a Hole concert. The slacker freaks of Ann Arbor love Love. My research shows that we could easily charge $75--maybe even $100--on the open market. She's doing this for free ... sort of as a publicity stunt, and she claims to care about education. So this could enhance the school's cash position greatly if we charge enough of a premium. We must continue to show Dean White the money."
Love confirmed that she will "perform" in some way on May 2. "I'll call the gig somethin' like 'Getting Credit in the Straight World'," borrowing from a song off of "Live Through This."
Continuing in her trademark raspy voice à la Stevie Nicks, Love promised, "Y'alls ain't gonna f***in' forget this. S***, yeah. Take my word for it."
Listed below are the nominees who have accepted their nominations for the student leadership, community service, innovation in education, and teaching awards. The description of each nominee's accomplishments were provided by those who nominated the students.
Please vote for the person in each category who you think is most deserving of the award by replying directly to the M-Track message that you received on Monday, March 31st. Voting ends Friday, April 4th. Only second year MBAs and BBAs can vote for the Student Awards. All students can vote for the Teaching Awards.
MBA Leadership Award
Presented to a graduating student (MBA or MAcc) who has made an outstanding contribution to improve the Business School experience for students, staff, and faculty. The student should have been active in all aspects of the UMBS community during his/her stay.
* Howard Bell - As co-chair of the alumni affairs committee of the Black Business Students Association (BBSA), Howard worked to strengthen UMBS' alumni network. He envisioned a new way to reach out to Michigan alumni and created BBSA Villages. These Villages will be managed by Village Chiefs who will initiate activities to encourage the relationship between alumni and the current UMBS community. As assistant director of the African Business Development Corps, Howard has been instrumental in enhancing the offerings of the program by obtaining funding, cultivating contacts, and securing internship opportunities for first and second year students in Africa.
* David Curtis - As President, David revitalized the Consulting Club. He attracted new firms to recruit on campus and sponsored new and innovative events to improve UMBS's image in the eyes of the consulting community. Dave was also Section 1 social chair, and he raised $5,000 from key corporate sponsors for the Follies.
* Greg Gamble - Greg proposed the Loan Repayment Assistance Program to the Dean. He positioned this program as a competitive tool to attract prospective students interested in employment in the non-profit sector to UMBS. This program was overwhelmingly selected to be the class gift by graduating students.
* Jeff Lee - Jeff was instrumental in reestablishing the importance of the ABSA Symposium, the focal point for UMBS community members interested in Asian Business. He has also been active in attracting issues of diversity and showcasing Asian culture. In broadening the reach of ABSA, Jeff lobbied for and changed the club's name to Asian Business Association, reflecting its wider audience.
* Amit Malhotra - As President of the Telecom Club, Amit organized the school's first High-Tech/Telecom Symposium, attracting speakers from some of the largest companies in the telecommunications industry. He led the organization to grow from 37 members the previous year to 103 this year. Amit was an original member of the West Coast Forum and participated from the very beginning in the development of the forum. With other student leaders, Amit helped draft the original proposal for the Forum for OCD's review; participated in numerous planning sessions; secured funding for students to take firm tours; and has continued to provide input on continuing and improving the event in the future. Amit also served as an orientation team leader, an informal career counselor for members of the Telecom Club and video director for the Business School Follies.
* Eduardo Pamplona - Eduardo started many initiatives regarding the marketing of Michigan in Latin America. Eduardo called all Brazilian applicants to offer support, hosted many visiting candidates in Ann Arbor, supported the Admission Committee with country - specific information for candidate selection, and supported all incoming MBAs in their transition to Ann Arbor and in their job searches.
* Becca Rubin - Becca has changed the scope of Michigan Business Women. She has made it one of the most active clubs at UMBS. She has aided in the transition of female MBA/BBAs and increased their contribution to the community. In addition, she has been instrumental in developing programs to attract more prospective women to attend UMBS.
*
BBA Leadership Award
Presented to a graduating BBA student who has made an outstanding contribution to improve the Business School experience for students, staff, and faculty. The student should have been active in all aspects of the UMBS community during his/her stay.
* Tonya Fuhs - Both in and beyond the Business School, Tonya has accomplished many things in her leadership capacity. As the first Marketing Chair for the Michigan Leadership Institute, she developed a marketing infrastructure that is still used today. As a 4 year member of AIESEC she served as the VP of International Initiatives, VP of HR and member of the National Support Team. She helped create an international exchange program to send BBAs abroad and was a representative at two international leadership conferences in Germany and the Dominican Republic. Beyond this, Tonya has served as the VP of Membership for Mortarboard, The University's Senior National Honor Society, honoring students who've excelled in scholarship, leadership and service. She is the sole business school representative in this society. She is also active as a research assistant in the organizational behavior department of the business school and has served as a member of the VP of Student Affairs, student roundtable task forces. For her work with the leadership institute, she received the 1995 distinguished service award.
* Indrani Mallik - Indrani is a career counselor in OCD. This year she has worked to help BBA1s better understand and prepare for the job search process. She is also a member of AIESEC, an international exchange organization.
* Andrew Taylor - In his two years here at the Business School, Andy has made a major impact on the community. He has served as a BBA Orientation Leader, Senior Vice President of Delta Sigma Pi, presenter during freshman Campus Day for the Business School, initiator and organizer of the BBA Management Consulting Forum, organizer of BBA/MBA career panel, organizer of Meet the Firms, and member of the Business School's EDS case competition team. Beyond the specific details, I have had Andy in several classes and group projects and he has always shown himself to be a hard working, caring person.
* Mow Wong - In the past two years, Mow has served the Business School in the capacity as Section 4 representative and the Chair of both the Facilities Committee and the OCD Advisory Committee. In these leadership positions, Mow has influenced interaction between BBA1s and BBA2s by creating an interview workshop to educate BBA1s on the job search process. In addition, he has been a "behind the scenes" man coordinating BBA Week activities and participating in the Business School Strategic Planning Committee task force. He was also a member of the Finance Club serving as a BBA1 representative and helping to coordinate corporate finance and investment banking panels. This year he also served as a assistant for the ICOS (Interdisciplinary Committee on Organizational Studies) Seminars..
* Angela Zirles - Angela contributes a tremendous amount to many different organizations. I first met her during orientation when she spoke on a panel, After that, she was very nice about taking questions outside of the presentation. Angela has also been very involved with prospective students and their families by giving them tours of the Business School's facilities and answering questions about the program. This year Angela was also a orientation leader to new BBA1 students. During her tenure at the Business School Angela has taken leadership roles in planning and organizing the MBA/BBA mentorship and career panel forum. She is also a very active member of the Delta Sigma Pi, the undergraduate business school fraternity.
*
Community Service Award
Presented to a graduating student (any program) who has made the most significant civic contribution during his/her stay at the school. The student may either have been active in organized community programs, or may have undertaken a personal effort on behalf of the community.
* Amiel Handelsman - Amiel has led Students for Responsible Business (SRB) as an effective and proactive leader. He has been instrumental in the reformation of SRB and global citizenship. He also led a diversity initiative team comprised of both MBA1s and MBA2s. He has improved (added value) to the UMBS program.
*
Innovation In Education Award
Presented to a graduating student (any program) who has made the most significant innovation and/or improvement to the educational experience at the school.
* Ed Guzzo - In conjunction with John Gray, Ed has spearheaded an initiative to create a new course for both MBAs and BBAs. This course was designed to provide practical management experience for MBAs while simultaneously providing practical project experience for BBAs. Although this course has not yet been approved, Ed should be recognized for this initiative.
***
MBA Teaching Excellence Award
Presented to a professor who has made an outstanding contribution to the learning experience of MBA students. This professor should have taught at least one class during the 1996/97 academic year.
Gene Anderson Richard Andrews
Sugato Bhattacharyya Jeff Edwards
Richard Frankel Stuart Hart
Gautam Kaul Bill Lanen
Francine LaFontaine Paul Seguin
Anjun Thakor
*
BBA Teaching Excellence Award
Presented to a professor who has made an outstanding contribution to the learning experience of BBA students. This professor should have taught at least one class during the 1996/97 academic year.
Allan Afuah Mark Bagnoli
Mani Chacko Alan Foster
Scott Moore Angali Sastry
Tyler Shumway
 |
| Photo by Charles L. Hornbrook |
| Taking Care Of Business: Carlos Salgado (center) checks out the size of MBA Gourmet John Lipinski's--cough!--love utensil while Lipinski reads The MSJ in the Business Administration Building's second floor bathroom next to the Office of Career Development. MBA1 Gene Rigoni (right), also taking a leak, is reading the paper, which has been taped to the wall for his reading convenience. This photo takes first prize in this week's ' MSJ In Wacky Places' ongoing photo contest. You could be the next weiner...uh...winner. |
 |
Photo by Chopo Gomez-Zoebisch
OCD Czar: Customer-focused, Jeanne Wilt has contracted with armed security personnel to patrol corporate presentations next year. |
by Marc Andraca, MBA2
In a bold decision, Jeanne Wilt, Director of the Office of Career Development, recently announced that an elite troop of armed security personnel will patrol all corporate presentations in the coming academic year.
Under the new policy, the security team will be charged with enforcing the following:
* Prohibition of all late entry and early departure from events
* Rigid implementation of dress code
* Strict expulsion of all BBAs
* Removal of all first years asking silly questions
* Maintenance of a strict 38-second time limit for individual mingling
* Screening for food violations, including eating too many Zingerman's olives.
In a brief interview, Wilt explained the rationale for this action. "Let me state," began Wilt, "that this action is totally in line with the UMBS objective to be customer driven. Students and faculty have been clamoring for this action for years, telling me that whole dress code situation was completely out of control.
"In the current environment, recruiters are constantly complaining about encountering young men wearing wrinkled pants, mismatched socks, out-of-style hankies, and all other manner of totally unsuitable attire. This will stop. And that's not the least of it. I have personally witnessed individuals cram olives into their pockets during these meetings. This is unsanitary and repulsive. And so, we've taken this action."
Under the policy, guards will follow a "three strikes and you are dead" enforcement policy. For example, if a first-year student were to ask a particularly inane question (e.g., "What is your core competence?"), that person would receive a warning and a gentle hit to the kidney. If the person happened to be wearing a pair of jeans, he or she would be removed and pummeled. If the person were to appear at the same event later without having changed, he would be taken to the student lounge, and promptly shot.
"I'm very excited about the new policy," stated Associate Dean Edward "Ted" Snyder. "I think it's a strong example of tough love."
Students also seem excited. "It's about time," stated Jane Doe. "I am just sick of having to see people leave these events early. I think they should be shot."
It should be noted that a small majority of individuals have complained. It has been established, however, that these are either dual degree students or socialists, and therefore are worse than dirt. Guards are being instructed to apply a "two strikes or you are dead" policy with such persons.
by Greg Jones, MBA2
A scandal is developing at the B-school. It seems the recent cloning of Dolly the sheep has led students at the B-school to admit to having themselves cloned. At least four students have publicly admitted to having a double. The students had various reasons when asked why they did it.
Ken Monson was the first to come out. He admitted to having himself cloned to get more sleep. "Look, my wife just had a baby and I wasn't getting any sleep. I was falling asleep in class and losing class participation points! Besides, do you have any idea how many dirty diapers one baby can make in a day? I'm sleeping great at the Red Roof Inn and the clone is changing diapers. Who can blame me?"
Steve DeBuc's clone was perhaps the most controversial. "Actually, I didn't want to have myself cloned. But when I found out that I was being deported to Asia for diversity training, I knew what I had to do. I get late night calls from my clone now and then. He doesn't want to talk but just keeps repeating 'I love group projects, I love group projects, I love group projects ....'"
Greg Lipper admitted to having himself cloned after he discovered he had to be two places at once. "I realized last week that I had accepted both the Sears and Fidelity job offers," he explains. "I couldn't decide which one to reject but now I can do them both. I'm having a third clone made just in case."
Gadge Sandhu sees cloning himself as a competitive advantage. "You have no idea how competitive investment banking can be. I needed to fit a few more finance courses in my schedule and couldn't do it alone. Since having myself cloned, I've been able to add the extra classes, and now I even have time to attend more office hours. I'm going to keep my clone when I go to the Street after graduation. My boss will think that I'm working 24 hours a day, but I'll actually be out interviewing for other jobs and taking trips to the Bahamas."
In an emergency press conference, Dean Snyder responded to the situation: "I categorically deny that any UMBS students have cloned themselves--unless it will help our rankings." After the press conference he reportedly was overheard asking Graham Mercer if he could look into cloning the Finance Department due to the rumors that they will all be leaving to join Wharton.
 |
| Photo by Charles L. Hornbrook
Career Switchers: Joint-degree MBA2s Todd Blankfort and Elisabeth Stiefel have decided to pursue careers in open-heart surgery despite numerous lucrative offers on Wall Street and in high-tech marketing, respectively. |
by Chuck Hornbrook, MBA2
According to an unidentified OCD source, the UMBS Office of Career Development next year will stress the educational component of the business school experience, a sharp break from their "job at all cost" approach in the past. This radical change was the result of a number of factors according to the OCD source. "We are an institution of higher learning. We thought that it would be important to have that as the UMBS' primary mission. And secondly, Walter Bruckner's 'Who Am I and Why Am I Here' editorial last year in The MSJ really struck home." The unnamed source, in an MSJ exclusive interview, has provided details the following changes in OCD policy:
First-Year Orientation
First-year BBA and MBA students will no longer be bombarded with tactics on how to land closed-list interview slots and on how to network. These sessions will be replaced with seminars entitled "How to Become a More Whole Person Through Meditation" and "Plato to Prahalad--The Classics and Business'an Analysis of the Connection." The OCD source mentioned that the meditation class would not overlap with Jeff DeGraff's class.
Interview Scheduling
Starting next year, interviews cannot conflict with courses. In order to ensure that the conflict does not occur, OCD will work with on-campus firms to have them interview on Fridays and Saturdays during away game football weekends. If a conflict does occur, the firms will be asked to reschedule their interviews to avoid the conflict. If the firm does not resolve the conflict, they will be asked not to interview at the UMBS in the future. According to the OCD source, "We want to let recruiters know that education is what is stressed here at the UMBS, if HBS and Wharton can do this, so can we."
No Flybacks
To ensure that students do not miss class because of flybacks, second- and final-round interviews are to be scheduled here at Executive Education. "Why should our students miss a class that is part of their overall experience? If recruiters want our students, they can come here," the unnamed OCD source explained.
M-Track
Even though M-Track will still be used as an information system for job searches, a new "Smell the Roses" component will be added next year. This new module will provide students the opportunity to search for events that are not directly associated with jobs or the business curriculum but will allow students the opportunity to learn about the meaning of life. "We are not talking about Monty Python here," quipped the OCD source, "but we do want students to realize that there is more to life than the pursuit of profit and under-valued opportunities. Life is a continual journey of self-discovery; we want OCD to be part of that."
Although all of these changes may be good for the students education, it may affect the UMBS' ranking. When pressed on this point, the OCD source told The MSJ, "If ranking is all that mattered, do you think that Michigan Stadium would be filled with over 100,000 people over the past decade? It's the experience that matters!"
Only time will tell with this new approach.
 |
|
by Joe Altieri, MBA1, and Christy Campbell, MBA2
Concerning Todd Branch, many of you may have asked yourselves, "Who is this guy who concocted such a bizarre homepage? Were his advertisements that appeared in The MSJ for his run at becoming next year's SGA President some kind of joke? Is this Todd Branch guy for real?"
In fact, the shocking answer to the last question is....NO!!!
Weeks of intense undercover investigation have revealed that a power-hungy egomaniac manipulated the recent Student Government Elections. That egomaniac is none other than SGA President-Elect Kishore Kagolanu.
Yes, that's right. It seems that Kagolanu created a mythical anti-candidate in Todd Branch--in order to divide the vote and allow Kagolanu to capitalize on widespread electoral confusion caused by the fancy advertisements and Branch's elaborate webpage.
Mental Illness To Blame
Dr. Mohammed Bernstein, Dean of the School of Mental Health and Proctology, who is currently treating Kagolanu (for recent bouts with hemorrhoids), described Kagolanu as suffering from a clinical condition known as hero inadequacy.
"You see," explained Dr. Bernstein, "certain mentally ill persons concoct situations where they can rescue someone or something with the end result of receiving praise and adulation. I have seen cases where security personnel at airports actually plant fake explosives in luggage so as to get praised as heroes when they discover the bomb."
Dr. Bernstein went on to describe an incident where Kagolanu had kidnapped the doctor's wife's cat and tied it to railroad tracks so he could later save it in dramatic fashion. Unfortunately for Mrs. Bernstein, it was a Tuesday and Kagolanu had been using the weekend train schedule to plan his "rescue."
Kagolanu apparently believed that if he could defeat a character so moronic, so utterly ridiculous, in the SGA election, then he would be hailed as the savior of the student body. Dr. Bernstein added, "Mr. Kagolanu is as loony as a bird, but he sure has one healthy colon."
Busted In The Computer Lab
So who was that person who took out those polished ads in this very newspaper? Kagolanu, so cunningly resourceful, recruited a recovering crack addict from his full-time job at a hot dog stand on the Michigan State University campus.
The story broke when Kagolanu was busted by the Computer Lab Security Police (CLSP) for drinking a shirley temple at computer terminal 48. Upon closer inspection, the guard noticed Kagolanu making modifications to the Todd Branch homepage.
Leroy Jenkins, Computer Lab Security Specialist, commented, "We were suspicious by the way he was laughing by himself in the corner. I guess we kinda figured that he was checking out one of them X-rated web sites, you know, like www.BigBoobs.com. Its been a big problem lately in the lab. What he looks at is his own business, we just wanted to make sure his pants were on."
Not The First Time
Apparently, Kishore has had run-ins with the authorities before. Because of this, the CLSP had been quietly monitoring Kagolanu's every move on their security camera network.
"We busted his butt a couple of months ago for downloading Hefty Lady, an online catalogue for the full-figured gal. Can you believe it? He was actually trying to sell that stuff. Talk about not understanding your market. It didn't even have full frontal nudity. I don't know what they teach you guys in that fancy business school of yours. Personally, I prefer Hot Mama Biker Chicks in Love. Now that's a classy skin mag." Leroy added, "that boy just ain't right."
Leroy proceeded to show us an excerpt from the "Todd Branch" homepage, which reads:
What would happen if you went to the soil and said, "Give me some plants. Give me some fruit."? The soil would probably respond by saying, "Excuse me, sir, but you're a little confused. You must be new here; that's not the way the game is played." Then it would explain that you have to plant the seeds. You have to water them and till the soil. You have to fertilize them. You have to protect them and nurture them and take care of them. And only then--providing you do it well--will you get your plants or your fruit sometime in the future--maybe.
Jenkins added, "This is the wildest crap I've seen since we cracked the Ted Kazcinsky Case. Now THAT guy knew how to write a homepage." The homepage can be accessed at http://www-personal.umich.edu:80/~tbranch.
 |
Photo by Charles L. Hornbrook
Windows Of The World: The B-School's stark Business Administration Building (the "tower")--with its $1 million worth of new, tinted windows--recently won the most prestigious award in architecture--NAAAG's T. DiBiasi Award for Architecture. |
by Lew Echlin, MBA2
The four-building complex that comprises the B-school has recently received the prestigious T. DiBiasi Award for Architecture from the North American Architecture Appreciation Guild (NAAAG). Wendy Richter, President of NAAAG, who presented the award to Dean White, believes that this year's award was an easy decision.
"The tower of the Business Administration Building serves as an inviting beacon to academics and architecture observers anywhere," Richter explained. "The clock rivals the modest majesty of Big Ben, and the earth tone of the brick of the Business Administration Building enhances the perception of the building's firm, clean angles. This effect has only been enhanced by the recent addition of upscale tinted windows."
NAAAG co-founder James Snukka made it clear that his fondness of the B-school complex went beyond the BA tower. "The Paton Building is my personal favorite," he commented, "because it's lack of windows echoes the dry seriousness of the studies within." He also feels that the parking structure "rounds out" the complex "in a simple yet prominent way."
Both Richter and Snukka confided that this was the first time a complex of seemingly incongruent buildings has won the T. DiBiasi Award. Snukka remarked that "the complex does not look like a hodge-podge of marginal and dated architectural styles, but a serendipitous blend of emotion and expression from throughout the Business School's history."
When asked to offer any parting advice on how to improve upon the B-school's architectural perfection, Richter chortled and then replied:
"One, never even think of building ivy covered walls and courtyards like those of the Law Schoolit's not as exciting as the B-school architecture.
"Two, try to use the Flintstone-esque lettering that appears above the front door of the Business Administration Building on all subsequent buildings in the complex.
"And three, make sure that the upcoming Sam Wyly Hall has large, stinky, cement ashtrays at all its entrances for continuity with the rest of the complex."
Coming Soon: |
Photo by Andres Piacentino
Swept Away: The B-School Cleaners has been ordered shut by Dean White to make way for the B-School Obstetrics. |
by John Lipinski, MBA2
Because of the epidemic rate of pregnancies at the B-school and the declining enrollment of female MBA students at Michigan, Dean White has announced that B-School Cleaners will close this fall to make room for B-School Obstetrics. Dean White lists several advantages of this new service:
* Female MBAs will no longer have to miss class during wasted hours of labor. They can sit in class until it is time and then be wheeled direct- ly to the lounge.
* Male MBA students can check in on their SOS' progress during class break.
* Female applicants who are nervously listening to their biological clocks tick away will see how Michigan is providing piece of mind for their maternal desires.
Dean White emphasized that this service should not be abused and that existing B-school policies will remain in place. Students, who will not be allowed to leave corporate presentations early to use the service, must have their student IDs in order to access the facility. Also, the doors to the building will remain locked on Sunday mornings until 10:00 a.m., so please remain patient on the weekend.
Delivery bills may be paid with your M-Card. In order to keep costs down, work-study students currently staffing the snack bar will double as delivery staff. One staffer, a 7th year pre-med student, was quoted as stating, "Cool!" There is also talk of converting the professors' lounge into a daycare center, but an unnamed source said that he doubts it will happen. After all, the reason they won't let students in the professors' lounge is because the professors don't want to share their toys with the MBAs, so why should we expect them to share them with the MBAs' kids?
Front Page
| News
| Features
| Leisure
| Opinion
| Sports
& Clubs
Technology
| Corporate
| Global
Blue | Alumni
This Week... |
UMBS Links |
Search
Archives |
Mail
the Editor |
