The Envelope Please ... And the End of the Year Sports Award Goes To ...

 by Bruce Greenbaum, MBA1
It's the last issue of the year, and I bet you are looking for some deep, moving introspective on the sports activities of the year. I'm here to please, so I will try my best. Well, maybe it won't be so deep, or moving, but here goes.
Continuing in the theme of the recent Academy Awards, I have created the following sports award categories. (The results have been audited by the accounting firm of Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. The same firm that verifies every Chicago election.)
Best Game Involving a Michigan Team: In a category filled with contenders, the academy has decided to give out two awards. Michigan vs. Notre Dame and Michigan vs. Colorado. While the emotions surrounding each of these games were completely different, the effect was the same. They were two games that you did not want to miss and were probably the highlights of the Michigan sports calendar for the year.
Best Michigan Team Impersonating a National Championship Contender: The Michigan Football team. A hot start propelled the team into a leading role in the national championship hunt, but a few bombs (dual movie terminology and Colorado game reference) along the way derailed their quest. The Wolverines qualify as the Susan Lucci of the college football awards circuit. Close, but never the winner.
Honorable Mention: Michigan Men's Hockey team. Loaded with national championship-caliber talent, Michigan fell short again this season. Nevertheless, the Michigan-Maine NCAA semifinal game was one of the greatest college hockey games of all time.
Second Honorable Mention: Michigan Men's Basketball. Although much preseason hype accompanied the new Fab Five, the Wolverines were really never in the championship hunt -- for the Big Ten or for the national championship -- all season. Michigan wasn't even in the Top 25 for the majority of the season. They are another contender for the Susan Lucci Lifetime Achievement Award.
Best Michigan Team Actually Achieving a National Championship: Michigan Men's Swimming and Diving. Olympic champion and world record holder Tom Dolan led the men's team to the national championship for the first time in decades. If you get a chance, head down to he natatorium next year to see some real world class talent, (actually, I just like using the word natatorium in a sentence) but still go.
Honorable Mention: Michigan Women's Swimming and Diving. A week before their male counterparts' success, the women's team finished second nationally. This was the first time in a long time (at least 10 years or so) that a team other than Stanford, Texas or Florida finished among the top three. Yet another reason to head down to the natatorium.
Moving on to the rest of the sports world ...
Worst Actor in a Leading Role in a Labor Dispute: We have a tie here between Donald Fehr and Bud Selig. These two sniveling weasels couldn't negotiate their way out of a paper bag. The current "settlement" to the baseball strike is only an intermission between the next players' strike or owners' lockout. Hopefully, these two actors will never get another role. I have my doubts though.
Honorable Mention: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and the rest of the NHL labor negotiating team. Another group of bozos who don't yet grasp the opportunity that they wasted by postponing the start of the current NHL season while the baseball players were on strike.
Worst Comeback by a Guy Who's been Hit in the Head Too Much: There are so many contenders for this award: George Foreman, Roberto Duran, Thomas Hearns, and even Buster Douglas. The winner is Larry Holmes. Yes, that Larry Holmes. The same guy who seemed old 15 years ago. Maybe all these guys need the money.
Honorable Mention: Evander Holyfield. Even a heart condition won't keep the former champ out of the ring. If brain damage wasn't enough to keep someone out of boxing, a life-threatening heart condition should be a strong enough argument keep you away.
Best Comeback by a Guy Who Doesn't Need the Money: This award goes to this year's Forrest Gump of sports, Michael Jordan. His motto is definitely not "stupid is as stupid does," and Jordan may reap more financial benefits from his award than Tom Hanks will get from his.
Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama: Another category filled with contenders. Since the academy has yet to see O.J. Simpson's performance, the award will be given to Kato Kaelin. I'm not sure if he's as dumb as he looks, but its sure hard to tell.
That's all until next year, when I'm sure we will have an entirely new cast of characters to consider.

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