Canker Sores on the Mother Tongue

 by Aron Knickerbocker, MBA1
These are dark days for the English language. What has served countless speakers and writers well for thousands of years is falling victim to a spate of revisionism. This language, with a rich and proud heritage, is being mutilated. The accused: the business world. As a student of business, I urge you to take precautions to avoid being implicated as an accomplice.
I came to the Michigan Business School with a fairly virgin set of eyes and ears. I'd seen jargon in the business press and regarded it as silly but harmless. I had heard very little of this kind of talk actually leave a person's mouth. But how that has changed! The MBA experience has put the uniquely absurd dialect of business on center stage for me.
At first, I found the terminology regrettable but tolerable. In the next stage, I found it pathetic. Because business is neither a science nor an art (though many differ), business academics and practitioners often appear compelled to construct some kind of secret code to make it seem incomprehensible to the layperson. The stage I have advanced to now is one of distress. I cringe when I hear people forsake English for some three-month old buzzword or violate rules taught in fifth grade.
Here is a little sampling of some gems I've noticed:
Nouns Used as Verbs. Here's a common trick. Take your good old noun (person, place, or thing, right?) and make it an action! Why not? Poof! It's easy. A classic is "partner," as in "Let's partner on this to maximize our synergies!" Another good choice is "transition," employed in a phrase like, "We are transitioning to the global mosquito repellent marketplace." Or how about "architect," who I always envisioned as some creative type who had cool handwriting and drew pictures of things to build. Actually, the way it is used in these parts is, "It is time to architect a new payroll system." Last but not least, "source" makes a nice verb when you are talking about a supplier, such as, "O'Sullivan's is sourcing $1.50 pitchers after 5:30!"
Verbs Used as Nouns. I only have one example here, but I am certain it is symptomatic of an epidemic. The rascal I had in mind is "disconnect." I think I know how to use this one. Here's my shot at it: (Imagine your favorite lingo-slinging prof, MAP teammate, or consulting recruiter talking about Michigan's tragic loss in the `93 NCAA basketball finals.) "A disconnect between Chris Webber and Coach Fisher caused Webber to call a non-existent timeout."
Adjectives Used as Nouns. Question: How does a consultant bring home the bacon? Answer: By producing deliverables. I don't know the origin of "deliverable," but I know in this case it wasn't the Post Office or FedEx. That challenged my understanding of the meaning when I first heard the term in a business context. After a few exposures to it, though, I deciphered this bit of semantic alchemy. Here is a tentative stab at its use: "Drinking the water down there gave me a mean case of the deliverables." I'm pretty sure that's how it's used. Another adjective that can double as a noun if you like is "doable" (this is a real stretch because I can't find this word in my dictionary). Use it any time you are talking about something that you have a remote chance of accomplishing. Say you are in an intense interview for a job in international finance, and the recruiter asks if you could solve the Mexican peso crisis. Sit up tall, look him straight in the eye, and respond confidently, "Yeah, that's a doable."
Words That Just Don't Exist. My cup could runneth over with these, but I'll stick to a few. How about the ubiquitous "buy-in?" Here's one that I hear a good seven or eight times a day, because apparently words like accept, approve, adopt, and their ilk don't cut it. I'm not sure how and when "buy" met "in" and became a couple, but divorce seems unlikely at this point. Perhaps you are thinking "Chill, dude. You've just got to have some buy-in on alternate forms of expression." Hey, I'm a tough sell. But there is always "actionable." This doesn't refer to a MBA man's chances with undergrads at Rick's. This is best used in place of "possible," i.e. "Is it actionable for me to invest two hours in this group final paper and still get the big EX?" If the choice is obvious, then of course it's a "no-brainer," a handy little nugget of a non-word. If you're in brand management and you are ready to release the newest form of herbal extract scented shampoo, but the launch date has been moved up two months earlier than planned, it has been "preponed." That is, it has had the opposite of postponing done to it. Capiche?
I'm open to discussion any time on matters of my native tongue. Let me know if you want to debate the merits of a second language for businessfolk. I come down on the side of respect for the language and avoiding meaningless jargon. Why corrupt what has served so many so well for so long? But hey, I'm willing to listen. Let's interface.

Return to headlines
© The Monroe Street Journal 1995, All Rights Reserved.
This article may be freely distributed, provided it is distributed in its entirety and includes this notice, but may not be reprinted without the express written permission of The Monroe Street Journal.
Send a letter to the editor: editor_msj@mtrack.bus.umich.edu for additional details.