Jason's Serious Article

And it's a good thing, too, because I absolutely have run out of things to say. This year alone, I've called for three revolutions to be incited, and I ran for President and Congress. What more can you ask for from a guy in one year? And so I'm off to greener pastures.

Which brings me to my next venture that I'd like to run by you. Perhaps, you have heard of the new DreamWorks company recently formed by Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and David Geffen. You know, the company where they plan to organize a multimedia empire. The company has currently raised $2 billion, and they haven't done a damn thing. Microsoft has invested $500 million. Others have invested up to $400 million. I have invested $2.50 -- my lunch money for the day.

Actually, many of you may not know this, but there is a fourth silent partner within DreamWorks. Did you see the New York Times article last week: "Fourth silent partner in DreamWorks Yet to be Revealed," the masthead stated. The Washington Post wrote: "Silent Partner said to be Brains Behind Organization." Well, I'm going to let you in on a little clue. The fourth partner ... yep, you guessed it ... it's me.

You see, I've actually been the brains behind everything that Spielberg has done within the last twenty years. (Oh, and I can hear you say, "Yeh, right. Like you were helping Spielberg when you were only one year old." Well, I was, buddy. I'm a child prodigy of the movie business, so shove it, okay.)

Jurassic Park -- that movie that Spielberg supposedly did. Well who do you think thought of making it about dinosaurs? Spielberg? Hell, no. He wanted to have it where the scientists genetically engineered giant Sesame Street characters, like Big Bird. I said, "Steve, buddy, a hundred-foot tall Big Bird. I think what the viewers want are dinosaurs." And there you have it.

Katzenberg, responsible for The Lion King? Yeh. Whatever you say. He wanted to make an animated movie called My Little Pony. I told him (a) it's already been done and (b) the idea sucked the first time and sucks even more the second time. I said "How about a movie about a lion and his evil uncle." BAM! Movie history.

Anyway, so I'm the real brains behind this whole operation. We all figured that it wouldn't be wise to divulge my identity because I drive a Volvo station wagon and that doesn't look really cool in Hollywood. I'm taking other investors into the company, also. So if any of you are interested, please send me a check for $100 million. Make it out to "Jason Koenig." You can just drop off the check at the MSJ office.

Anyway, that's my story on my DreamWorks company. I hope this article is serious enough to make it onto the front page. I asked my editor if I could ever make it to the front page, and she said "only if it's serious." Well poo-poo to you, too. Is that serious enough? Jerk. Maybe they'll give me one of those little spots on the bottom of the front page that says "Standard Deviation -- Jason's Serious Article." If not, I'm calling my agent. And you can be damn sure that the Monroe Street Journal won't be involved in the DreamWorks company.

Well, folks. That's it. I've had a great time writing for you all, and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. I like to think that I provide a little sunshine to your day. I also think that you receive valuable information within each article that you can use for your job interviews. I know I do. Then again, I still don't have a job ... but, that's for another story. Well, have a good summer. I'll miss you all, dearly. And good luck in the future. Oh, here I go again. I'm getting all choked up. I'll ... I'll ... I'll miss you.

Ah, just kidding -- sucker.