MBA1, Section 1

by Todd Bortel and Michelle Headrick

Well, we all made it through the first round of exams (we knew you could do it). I don't know about you, but since my mom isn't here to take care of me, I will be posting each exam on the refrigerator for future reflection. Does anyone know where they sell those little gold stars or scratch and sniff stickers? No test is complete without a sticker to cover up some of that red pen.

Unfortunately, all of this studying has seriously limited our opportunity to socialize as a section. Does running regressions for 89 hours count as socializing? We're not sure, but probably not. It did make us better people though. In fact, we challenge any other section to out-regress us. Section One events will be back on track now that the serious crunching has come to a close for a while.

You probably thought that with all the studying there would not have been opportunities for members of section one to show their true colors (embarrass themselves) during the past few weeks. Well, you were wrong.

The big post-economics bash provided a good way for everyone to calculate demand curves for extremely cheap beer in a real-world situation. No case study could replicate the intricacies of drinking out of Dixie cups at Scorekeepers. Whoever worshiped at the altar of porcelain shall remain nameless. For those of you who didn't attend the Octoberfest party, you missed a fun time. Those of you who did attend may have missed the World Wrestling Federation event held afterward that featured "Hollywood" Jason "Hogan" in a pair of Calvin Klein chaps taking the Intercontinental Championship Belt from Chris "The Macho Man Savage." Look for the next event on very late night pay-per view.

We must say the members of Section One are pretty damn funny as a whole. In fact, the humorous banter during class has increased to a fevered pitch (especially Marketing for some reason ­ so much material, so many innuendoes, so little column space). You knew it was coming, Paul, so now its official. Your situation analysis of the L'Oreal case was definitely impressive, especially the calculation of "50 years of moisturizer use under the belt." Where does that break even? There was a tie between Peter and Ajay for the "Smooth as Sandpaper" Award. Ajay wins for slickest entry into a lecture, although his follow up analysis on e-commerce in Southeast Asia was enlightening. Peter (with an assist from Artem) wins for the foiled attempt to sneak out of class early by "hitting the wall."

Hopefully there will be some good stories from the Halloween Party that will provide some fodder for the column. Please, stop sending all those e-mails with suggestions for the column (you would think with such a wide readership of twelve people there would be more requests). Last but not least, be sure to take a moment to do a good dead (and support the Section) by taking part in the Food Fight.

MBA1, Section 2

by Matt Moon & Kathee Lin

Before we begin with the week's worth of stories (or lack thereof), the social chairs would like you all to know that we find the lack of dirt on people volunteered to us quite disturbing. In fact, our sources have told us that some of you are going around asking others to keep juicy tidbits away from Matt and Kathee. Rather amusing, dear section mates, rather amusing. Just keep in mind that with every effort to build your resistance, our network only grows stronger. Also, we promise you that if it comes down to revealing the huge amount of dirt on the social chairs (well, we know one of the social chairs is squeaky clean) to fill up the space in this column, we will exact our revenge more than tenfold.

Now to more pleasant issues. There are evidently a couple of people in our section who are so confident in their ability to get a good grade in marketing that they can talk smack to the professor. How else are we to explain Mr. Shapiro's comment to Professor Anderson, "You obviously don't care about your appearance" or Kari's follow up to that, "Did you have to borrow those tools from your wife?" You two are just looking to find a way to lower your final grade, aren't you?

Overheard at the raucous gathering at Scorekeepers...Jen W seems to be experiencing some lower back problems recently. She offered to tell us the sordid details of the injury, which led us to believe we finally landed the big, headline making news of the semester. Somewhat disappointed would pretty accurately describe the reaction that the social chairs felt upon hearing her explanation. She is not completely off the hook yet, however. We have noticed her affinity towards soap lately, and the fact that she is doing a marvelous job of keeping up relations with the second years.

There seems to be a movie critic club forming in our section. At last count, the membership total was only at two and they had only reviewed one movie. We believe no others were invited to join at this point. If you would like to plead your way into joining the exclusive duo, please find the 2 international founders in our section.

Speaking of clubs, the founders of the "babysitters club" (mentioned in the last news article) would like to announce that Johnny K has decided to join us. We're very pleased to have him onboard. We're currently a very small organization catering to just one client, and hopefully the client base will not grow any further. By the way, has everyone noticed that certain individuals get out of the gate like sprinters when they go out for a few drinks? Keep in mind that it's a marathon. Endurance and tolerance matter.

MBA1, Section 3

by Anton Rivera, Jennifer Hunt & Matt Black

**** Warning: Ghostwriter in effect ****

Stomp. Knock, Knock. Who can it be? It's that curve raising, beer drinking Section Three! The past seven weeks have taken their toll on our beloved section and this past week was a great opportunity to say goodbye to our favorite professors Allan A. and Kaptain K. With the stress of finals/midterms gone, our section mates' attention turned to more immediate needs (ie. drinking). Not even waiting for the final to end, did anyone else notice Alex G. sipping out of the flask during Corp Strat? Starting the ball rolling was Lisa R.'s supposed booty call. Of course, that's what we call it when you head to a hotel in BFE Ohio carrying a bottle of wine and little else! Condolences go out to the poor

section mates who had to explain (in PC terms) what a booty call was to our favorite Aussie Jess! And, speaking of lovin', Illinois grad Lina wasn't the only one enjoying the game Saturday. Some of us noticed Jennifer H. sparking a little magic with Section Playboy Vishal! Can I get a cheer for section romance? Speaking of Playboys, a newly formed organization has formed dedicated to collecting past issues. Members include Mike G., Brad S., Joe W., Pat W. and Tom S. Just add DREAMERS to your M-Track listing to join. Rumor has it that Paul F. is being featured in the "Men of the BIG 10" issue wearing Rich's GM Boxer shorts!

And then there was the Scorekeeper night... this was the proof that we can apply the past 7 weeks of knowledge to our daily lives. Curt was obviously using statistics and probabilities with his perfect opening line, "So, what sorority are you in?" And, Econ's Supply and Demand was in definite use when the group decided to bribe the manager into letting us keep the tables in a highly valuated market! But, they're also some very familiar sights at Skeepers. Matt B. was spotted walking around with his best friend ­ a pitcher of beer. Quite a different sight than his typical drooling sleepiness (aka Rumplestiltskin) in Corp Strat. Does anyone else notice the goofy grin he gets when he wakes up? In a massive upset, the Betty Ford Award was taken by newcomer Raji and his constant question, "hey, are you going to Panchero's?" Mike G. was a strong contender until he switched to water in anticipation of the Bicycle Cop sobriety test. Someone should also check to see if Rieko and Joanne are truly 21, I hear they have been using fake ID's to get into the bar! The Scorekeepers night was also a time to find out some of the strange habits of our section. Why was Tushar walking around with Minna's make-up kit? Is that how you got Brad S. to go home with you that night? And I've never seen anyone get thrown out of a bar so quickly as J.J. Hey buddy, the beer may have been free but that doesn't mean you're allowed to pour it from the tap yourself!

So, the past 7 weeks have been eventful, the next seven shall prove to be even better. Section Three rules! In closing, I'd like to leave you with my favorite quote from Corp Strat, "Your goal is to take all the money and put it in your pocket." Oops, wrong quote. I meant, "Be nice to people. It doesn't cost you much and you might just end up ahead." -- Prof. Afuah, 10/21/99.

One last note, who is this new guy (Tom D.) in our Econ class? Where was he the first seven weeks? I say we give him the silent treatment. He's probably a 'gunner' anyway!

MBA1, Section 4

by Scot Gensler, Kimberly Moorehead, Patrick Song, and Joe Taylor

Hugs and kisses to all for making it through the first 7 weeks! This week, we're taking a break from the gossip of typical weeks with a quiz to test your knowledge of your sectionmates...

I exclaimed, "Every tradesperson is looking for a great hole" during a recent Marketing class and promptly did my tradesperson impersonation following class ­ B.W.

I routinely dress up in drag and have been encouraging others to follow suit during the upcoming Halloween party. ­ S.M.

I won the Section 4 Stupid Human Tricks contest with my excellent (and very loud) elephant call at Dominick's after the Econ exam. Following that, I made the walk to Scorekeepers much more fun by hiking up my skirt to show off my beautiful referee socks. ­ R.P.

I was the first B-school student from India ever "flagged" at Scorekeepers due to intoxication. I've also been seen giving Greg M. massages during late-night stats sessions. ­ D.P.

I once directed traffic in a diaper and a sports bra (all for a good cause of course). ­ J.P.

My dreams of finding a non-English speaking one-night stand were almost fulfilled. I thought I was dancing with a quiet townie, but was upset to learn that he spoke English and was an MBA stud(ent) to boot. ­T.G.

I was the recipient of inquiries about my girth from Peggy and Maywun, and we're not talking waist-size here. After a "lengthy" discussion and some measuring with Scorekeeper's yard stick, they referred to me as "Mr Hung." ­ J.T.

I've asked my boyfriend from Section 1 to fill out a financial aid reevaluation so that he can come close to affording the rock I've been demanding. Otherwise, I'm going to the med school to trade-up for an MD. ­ N.H.

I gave Andrew B. a hot time in Stats. When I was finished with him, you could see the steam rising from his pants! ­ K.H.

I'm the greatest beer drinker at UMBS. After one beer at Dominick's, I was seen Monday night with the rosiest cheeks ever and was heard repeating "I must go home, I drank too much!" After a break, I went to Scorekeeper's and did it again. M.H.

I've read every one of Michael Porter's books, and am an expert on the German printing press industry and Italian high fashion. - M. L.

P.S. November birthday greetings go out to Tak the beer man, Marcia, Matt L., and Kartik!

MBA1, Section 5

by Rich Lui and Kimberly D. Harvey

"Wimp."

"Wait, what about this big yellow one?"

"Nope, still wimpy."

"Alright, now I've got this red doodad on my side and the big drill. What do you say Allison?!"

"Haha, you can't hide, sorry Professor A., still wimpy."

No, this was not a discussion about value delivery. It is what will now be known as the Three Wimps You're Out law, first applied in M501. We must say though that S5's favorite marketing professor has made class a memorable occasion the last two classes, with great VA's and provocative discussions about underwear and bonus adds like econometric BEA models. Will the excitement continue?

S5 PARTY SEEN

So who in S5 has partied like no other over the last months? Hmmm. Is it Jenny T. who has been seen passing out free shots at all the local bars. Or perhaps Mike S., who inhaled beer from 8AM to midnight one Saturday. Mauricio says that to have a good time one must drink a shot every 15 minutes. Good strategy. But perhaps young Ryan F. has the chutzpa to stay out more than all. He has just started the Tuesday Tube club (you can ask him what the name means)--invitation only we hear.

SOUND FAMILIAR

"I knew Pigou, as well as McGoo; we taught together at Princeton. Pigou, Quincy--Mr. McGoo and I were on a first name basis you know--and myself were out having martinis on the Riviera one day, and..."

"Hmmm," Corey thinks to himself, "now is a good time to take my daily Econ bathroom break. The next time he shakes the laser pointer trying to get the battery connections to give him full power, I'll make the dash."

Have any of you noticed this? (Okay Corey, now you have to do this at least once so all can witness.)

S5 TRIVIA

There are lots of talented and interesting folks in S5, no doubt. Do you know which of the following statements are true?

Eleine was Ms. Teenage Campinas when she was 14 (a town outside of Sao Paulo).

Lu Hong and her husband own a trading company that exports white, size large tube socks from China.

Rizal's cousin (who can see in both eyes and who has had no strokes yet) ate lunch with the new President of Indonesia during a campaign rally in Jakarta.

Edgar often takes his dates on exotic island getaway trips.

Kelly really doesn't have a twin, she just says that to cover up all the things she's afraid of admitting she actually did.

NEXT TIME

Given the critical reviews, there will be a guest writer next article!! We'll be taking a writing class.

MBA1, Section 6

by Jason Cocco & MollyJo Tholen

Congratulations, Sixers! You've made through the first seven weeks of your MBA experience. Good luck in the next...

You would have thought that after the last set of Section 6 taunts in the MSJ, people would've been a little more careful about revealing their true gunner tendencies. However, the gunners apparently forgot to review that mental note due to the stress of midterms and finals. As a tribute, we've collected a representative sample for your enjoyment. It's not that we didn't know Hampton was gunning for an Excellent before he scored 285 on the midterm, but now the class participation has kicked in full steam. By the way, I think professor Richard might have a question about short-term securities. Do you think you could stay after class to tutor him on it? Before looking to harshly upon Hampton, let's hear it for all the Marketing gunners. And let us ask this: all those who grilled the groups presenting up front...Were you (a) trying to educate the simple folks or (b) sacrificing your classmates for participation grades? Finally, Ajay, could you break down the "target segments, size and estimated revenue from each" for the next Marketing case and drop it in our mail folders?

In honor of everyone who has forgotten that grades are for undergrads, we came up with a couple motto's we'd like to share. Learn them and live by them.

If you like to ask questions just to hear your own voice, please take advantage of office hours.

Just say "no!" Friends don't let friends "what if".

In contrast to our classmates trying to stay on their best behavior, we've got a nice list of "thank goodness it wasn't me...":

* Kazu... Did you ever return the call to the person who interrupted stats for "a fix"?

* Nilesh... How the heck were you able to come back with a question in Bus Econ after snoozin' for so long?

* Michelle... Can you please explain to everyone the correlation between age and parking needs in Ann Arbor? Is it that only the elderly need parking spaces or was it the other way around?

* Kim & Michelle... Could we buy you another drink?

* Derek & Paul... Could you have your wives send "I love you" notes in our lunches for a change? Don't worry Derek, we already have an attorney on retainer.

* And lastly, Caitlin... My poor dear, hasn't anyone told you the rule about no PDAs?

Before we forget, we still need to collect dues from some of you. And for those of you that don't want to pay dues because "you don't need anyone to buy your beer", how was it tastin' Monday night?

MBA2, Section 2

by Paul Cantrell

Back by unpopular request, another poem about our beloved last class together ever:

There once was an MBA from Ann Arbor,

Who thought studying for Corp Strat was a bother.

But then came the exam,

And the MBA said "Oh damn,

I guess I won't graduate with honor."

I am sad to report that there has been no interesting news generated by section 2 that I am aware of since the last article. I did hear that some section members went out last Friday to the Cavern Club and drank heavily to celebrate someone getting a job offer. It is reported that one of them spent $180 on shots. But that really isn't news anymore (the $180 is, but the drinking isn't ­ actually the fact that I wasn't there is new).

By the time you are reading this, the wild Halloween weekend has passed. I trust that there will be some good news to report from that, especially since in her emails Sherry keeps trying to get people to attend naked.

I would like to say a few more words about ergonomic hand tools, but it probably wouldn't make it past the MSJ censors. (Note: Good thinking - DRB, Publisher)

Since it is getting to be time for MSJ offices to change hands and other clubs enter the election phase, I encourage the MBA1, Section 2 members to continue running the school by running for leadership positions around campus. It is nice to see so many section members leading at UMBS. It also comes in handy if you steal something and want to get pictures of it in the MSJ 3 days after the deadline. I would also like to thank the MBA1's for sponsoring the party at scorekeepers. It was good to see that about 8 of the 10 second years there were from section 2. Guess we are the only ones still interested in free beer.

Survey question of the week: Which takes longer, renovating a restroom or getting a computer in the lab? (For help on this, see the labCam available on M-Track to check out the computer wait. And a note to SGA, can we get an online camera in the restrooms to get an up-to-the-minute construction update? (and no Ben, they will be removed once the restrooms are open.))

MBA2, Section 3

by Kirk Lewis and Sally Fisher

Life has certainly been active, interesting, and fulfilling for section 3 of late. Deb S.'s pajama party for MBA men and women unquestionably tops the list. What does one do with a wigi board at 2:30 in the morning while wearing pajamas? According to Brian K., you talk about personal preferences (and I do mean personal) and e-zones (this has nothing to do with e-commerce). 'Light as a feather, stiff as a board' ­ all in all not a bad way to get to know people better. Rene V., was that you running down Hill Street in you underwear later that night?

Some of the section 3 women also had a little get together at Elina V.'s. You might be interested to know that we have several debutantes in our section, a person who graduated from white gloves class, and someone who was a Miss ------ contestant in her home state/country.

Congratulations to Jeff K. and his girlfriend for successfully completing the Chicago marathon. Rumor has it that they qualified for the Boston and will be heading out there in April. Also, congratulations need to be extended to Hyung K. for accepting his job offer at McKinsey, in the Detroit office. If he is going to be living in Ann Arbor, maybe we can talk him into hosting cookouts before the football games in coming years.

So who wins the award for procrastinating the most for the CS602 final. None other than Scott M., who started the exam at 4:00 Friday afternoon. Maybe its because there are just too many distractions at his house on E. University. For example, why did Woody W. pay $50 to six undergraduate women that live next door? Maybe for the same reason that Matt B. has been attending BBA corporate recruiting presentations. Way to dual-task!

Happy belated (October) B-day to Jamel R., Woody, and Sasha S. If you like puppies, pay Sasha and her husband a visit ­ they just got a seven week old chocolate lab. Talk about cute....

MBA2, Section 6

by Jay Moore

After a short absence the Section 6 minutes have returned to the good old MSJ. The two regular writers were busy studying around the clock for the CS exam; a week off was required. Now, after figuring out how to distribute saws over the Internet and designing a "saws for guns" program in America's inner cities, the young guns of Section six have some time on their hands. After making it through the first 7 weeks, the count-down to graduation has become ­ yes we know JL - just 270,000 hours until you can go back to NYC and your sweet lovin'. The job search has hit full swing; congratulations to all of those who have offers in hand, you will be responsible for buying the drinks for those down on their luck. One piece of advice for those still interviewing, when you get a tough a question; take a short breath, pull a hand puppet from your pocket and show your creativity. Oh yeah, and suggest that the search engine goes in the center of the web site. Many sixers are showing some success, PG has received numerous complements for his choice of shirts ­ love that blue ­ too bad it's not a recruiter. Unfortunately not everyone in the section likes old Pablo's attempts at spawning MSJ conversations. First of all, ED, it's good to know you're alive and in typing distance. Regarding your appraisal of the the MSJ dialogues as "petty and insular" then we're chomping at the bit to find out the extent of the degradation that writing exercises like this are causing to your frontal lobe.

Fifty bucks says we do worse than petty. Life at the City Council is a lot crustier than we thought. DR is moving up the latter and will no longer just be washing NT's cars. Apparently JC was not happy with his consulting offer and had a fly back to interview as a croupier at the Trump Taj Majal ­ or was he up to something else.....Can you say BBA????? RE may not be the only sixer to leave early ­ JB has been reported to have signed with WCW and will be wrestling for a living ­ he puts a whole new meaning on leverage. We have suggestions for those without a job: JP you will never get an offer if you keep insisting that the key benefit from broadband is pudding delivery. More importantly, things are starting to heat up in the Section 6 matchbox. Rumor has it that one recent newlywed was getting "jumped" by another Section mate ­ if only their SOSers knew. A second couple was spotted shopping for baby toys; however, it was another newlywed who announced a soon to come addition to his family. On the scurrying front, one section mate has been spotted taking mid-night bowling lessons to impress a study mate. Finally, EC reported that there is no heat in her bedroom and was seeking help ­ any volunteers?