ALCOHOL WARNINGS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major
factor in dancing like an retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone
them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you can logically converse with other members
of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you
think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you
getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading
cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees
and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better
looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe you are invisible or bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a
disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby
gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause
pregnancy.