How to read personal ads:
40-ish...........49
Adventurer........Slept with all your friends
Athletic..........No tits
Average looking......Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful..........Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure.......Medicated
Feminist.............Ugly ball buster
Free spirit...........Mad
Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.................Annoying
Gentle..............Comatose
Good listener......Borderline autistic
New-age............All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned......Lights out, missionary position only, no oral
Open-minded.......Desperate
Outgoing..........Loud and embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Poet..............Depressive schizophrenic
Professional......Certified bitch
Redhead.........Bad dye-job
Romantic.......Looks better by candle light
Social........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Wants a soul mate.........Stalker
Widow................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart........Old bat