Betz's Quotes of the Month page
March 1 to present:
Thank you, all my stapp (staff). Thank you, my pentsar (parents). Thank you, Academy. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.
- Kunio Kato, Oscar winner of Best Animated Short Film, "La Maison en Petits Cubes" in his acceptance speech
February 2009:
(While watching a movie preview on TV)
Betsy: Wow, Clive Owen. Haven't seen him in a while. That's Ciara's celebrity boyfriend.
Derek: Ciara has good taste. I'm as hetero as you can get, and I think he's hot.
Betsy: Yeah, he is hot. Clive Owen is like the British Javier Bardem.
Derek (sheepishly): Oh yeah? Well I'm the.....the POLISH Javier Bardem.
Betsy (after recovering from laughing so hard she couldn't breathe): Give me a kiss, Bardemski.
December 29, 2008 to end of January 2009:
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes out of its ass.'?
- Via email, October 2008
November 18, 2008 to December 29, 2008:
"Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Via email, October 2008
October 13 to November 18, 2008:
"Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking."
- Bill Maher, in his documentary 'Religulous'
September 26 to October 13, 2008:
"Adam, I need you to run the Billiards Room. I don't need you to think."
- Me to my intern, Adam, while discussing an opportunity to be in a think tank for campus programming. (fortunately, he thought it was funny too. Thank goodness he understands my sense of humor).
August 2008 to September 2008:
"If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' "
- Unknown via e-mail, July 2008
September 21, 2007 to July 2008:
"The only thing Snooker wants in the whole world is licker (tuna flavored hairball remedy). She doesn't want money, or a fast car, or her own cell phone...."
Derek, talking about our oldest cat, 9/14/07
April 23, 2007 to September 21, 2007:
Bad grammar makes me [sic].
February 16, 2007 to April 23, 2007:
Why It's So Hard To
Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
September 10, 2006 to present:
Two of my favorite jokes from the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner in August...
"We're here, of course, to roast the legendary Bill Shatner. And speaking of Shatner, Betty White just Shat'n'er pants."
- Jeffrey Ross
"Betty White is here tonight. What a classy lady. She's been around forever. She's so old that on her first game show appearance, the grand prize was fire."
- that was a rare PG joke from one of my personal heroes, the Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli
September 6, 2006 to September 10, 2006:
Courage
is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
- Mark Twain
August 29, 2006 to September 10, 2006:
I
had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.
- Groucho Marx
August 22 - 29, 2006:
He who does not
understand your silence will probably not understand your words.
-Elbert Hubbard, American writer
March 15 - August 22, 2006
Men have two emotions:
HUNGRY and HORNY
If you see your man without an erection, make him a sandwich.
January - March 2006
Punctuated Equilibrium (This is a phrase rather than a quote)
Punctuated equilibrium states that evolution, particularly speciation, occurs relatively quickly with longer periods of little or no net change. This theory is the favored explanation for stasis as observed in the fossil record, and proposes to explain the relatively sudden appearance of new species in the geological record. Read more about this fascinating expression on the free online encyclopedia website, Wikipedia.org.
The original quote on my website:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - ice cream sundae in one hand, cigar in the other, body thoroughly used up, screaming "Woohoo! What a ride!"
Go to Betsy's Funny Stuff page