“Not your AVERAGE wolverine”

In the fall we discovered that a former student from the 4th floor was going to be a contestant on the NBC reality show Average Joe.  Brad Holcman was very active in several student organizations, and worked at The Office of Greek Life.  Several of us full-timers  (he was there too long ago for most of the current students to remember him) scheduled weekly lunch sessions to watch the previous night’s airing of the show.  We made a fun time of it, playing up the “Joe” theme.  We had sloppy joes, a cup o’ joe, and joe bananas for lunch.  The restaurant in the Union even put Sloppy Joes on their menu and put up a poster with Brad’s layout from People Magazine.  He made it to the final 6, but when he got a one-on-one date with the star and criticized one of the other contestants, she ousted him.    

Weeks later, after the final episode with Melana’s big decision having aired the night before, I casually said to my friend on the elevator, “I can’t believe she picked Jason!”  Suddenly the guy standing behind us screamed “Noooooooooooooooooo!”  I ruined the surprise outcome, which he had taped the night before and was saving until the end of the week after he finished finals.  I felt horrible, but he should have worn a sign around his neck or something.  And really….what’s a straight man getting so worked up about Average Joe for?  

“Are they gay?”

One night as we were having pre-dinner chitchat with Derek’s family, his step-dad told us they finally sold their condo in Florida (they built a house last year).  Here’s how that conversation went: 

Ted:  We sold the condo!

Carol:  Yes, two young guys bought it.

Us:  Young?

Carol:  They’re only 45 or 50, two single guys. 

Us:  Are they gay?

Ted:  No, they’re tradespeople.  

? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ?

“Ya Scared the Dog”

One lovely afternoon in November, I was outside planting some of those 250 bulbs I mentioned above.  Derek was at the highly touted Michigan vs. Ohio State game, 6 miles away at Michigan Stadium.  This was a huge game for both teams; the winner would claim the Big Ten title and advance to the Rose Bowl.  I couldn’t quite hear the crowd from 6 miles away, but I could definitely feel the excitement in the air.  As I turned the soil and added bulb booster and carefully penciled my bulb diagrams in my garden journal, I had my little portable radio beside me for play-by-play commentary.  UM led most of the game, but OSU narrowed it to a single touchdown for a few tense minutes in the third quarter.  When UM went up by 14 points with just a few minutes left, I screamed out at the top of my lungs.  The neighbor dog howled and scurried under the porch with his tail tucked between his legs.  Guess he's a Buckeye fan.  

I spent New Year's Eve with my homeys, Angela, Ciara, and Niamh.  It was my first NYE away from Derek in 12 years!   The girls and I had lots of snacks, a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit, and more snacks.  Ange & I came back from a 5-wedge deficit to fill our pie.  We nearly snuck away with a come-from-behind win.  You see, we knew their weakness:  the Sports category.  But the Comerford smarties eventually pulled it off.  We turned on the TV at 11:55, just in time to witness the awkward midnight kiss between Dick Clark and his wife.  She’s too old for him.  Actually, she has aged at a normal pace, while Dick got stuck somewhere in the 1970s.  Derek called twice from California that night.  What exciting thing was he doing at midnight on New Year's Eve 2003?  Driving around, looking for pool hall, of course!  They finally found it, but it was closed.  He and Rick rang in the new year in a rental car.  Later in the week he called me to ask if it was OK to go see a topless show.  It wouldn't be the complete Vegas experience without one.  I told him sure....."No touching!"

Derek finally arrived home from Vegas on January 7, only to depart 38 hours later for a tournament in Chicago.  You must get sick of hearing this every January, but Derek was gone all month and I worked - worked - worked - worked.  I average about 65 hours a week from January 1 through February 15....just a fact of life that I've come to accept. 

Number of days between December 27 - January 26:             31

Number of days Derek was home during that span:    4.5  

When he finally did come home, there was lots of couch time, movies, bonding.  We watched both X-men movies.  (Betz loved both of them because her boyfriend, Hugh Jackman, aka "Huge", is the star).  We also rented and were blown away by Bowling for Columbine.  It so impressed me that I e-mailed Michael Moore to invite him to my Oscars party.  Unlikely he'll come or even reply, but my e-mail was quite charming!

“That Kid gets into EVERYTHING!” 

Sean, my brother, got in head-on collision in December.  He suffered broken ribs and all-over soreness, but was otherwise OK.  After years of my harping on him about never wearing his seat belt, the kid actually had it on that morning, and it may have saved his life.  It was very early in the morning, and he was headed for a training course.  As the two cars met each other, the slushy snow pulled them both toward the center line, and they crashed.  This is one of those “only in a small town” stories…the driver of the other vehicle was his co-worker, on his way to the car pool before heading to the same training session as Sean.  He was out of work for 12 days and went back to work before he really felt ready, because he didn’t want to keep using up his sick time.  He later found out that if he had missed just two more days, he wouldn’t have had to use any sick time at all; it could have been a worker’s comp claim.  Great advice (ie, none) from his Union rep, huh!?  Just days later, he went under the knife to have his uvula trimmed.  No, I’m not lying.  (The uvula is the little dangling thing you see at the back of your throat when you look in the mirror).

Sean was one of those kids who was into everything.  Mom couldn’t look away for 30 seconds because he’d cause major turmoil if left alone.  When he was a toddler, he fell and cracked his head open a half-dozen times in a 7-month span.  Pointy objects and edges of furniture seemed to magnetically attract his skull.  This was long before all the kid-proofing gadgets available now.  Mom's idea of kid-proofing was to keep a steady supply of rubber bands, outlet covers, and gauze.  The boy is a freak of nature, I tell you, and he has sustained some of the strangest injuries and near-injuries imaginable.  Here are just a few examples: 

• One day while she curled her hair in the bathroom, having left 2-year-old Sean just seconds before, she heard him scream from the kitchen, 15 feet away.  He had somehow managed to climb up onto the stove looking for candy and, in the process, turn on the electric burners, and his shoes were melting to the stovetop.  My guess is that at the current stage of his life, he could get himself into a similar pickle while searching for beer.   

• When he was about 12, he got poked with a pitchfork in the crook between the thumb and first finger.  That was actually quite serious and required several days in the hospital, because it was a deep puncture wound from a sharp, metal object that happened to be coated in cow shit. 

• This one's not the least bit funny....in his early 20s, he worked for a well drilling company and nearly lost his finger when some metal drilling rods shifted in the bed of the truck and trapped his hand against the tailgate. 

• He’s had horrible sinus headaches his whole life, and during a checkup after a particularly bad one, they decided to do an MRI.  The doctor told us that Sean has the largest sinus cavities of any human being he’s ever seen.  Like APE SIZED sinuses, people.  Cro-magnon man--you know, the one that barely walked upright? 

• And now, this uvula business.  He had been having problems with it for many years; it would become enlarged and elongated at random, sometimes to the point where he couldn’t breathe because it was blocking his trachea.  Sean, always the joker, said, “You know what they say about a man with a big uvula!” but it did become very serious.  So the doc lopped it off and apparently now he’s fine.  He was having extreme difficulty swallowing for a few days after the surgery, so I sent him a care package of soft foods (pudding, oatmeal, squishy stuff).  His wry response when he opened the box was, “Betsy went grocery shopping for us.”  Gotta love my bro.  People tell me I'm funny, but that kid has an unparalleled sense of humor and quick wit. 

“Tournament Tough!”

Derek has had a very good year for tournaments.  He finished in the top 3 in the tough Hall of Fame Thursday tournament three times, won a weekly 8-ball tournament in Battle Creek three times, finished 5th in a pro-stacked mini-tournament at Derby City, finished 30th out of 310 One-Pocket players in Derby City, and 3rd place for the second consecutive year at the Jackson “Garage” bar table tournament.  He's savoring every day of the remaining bit of pool season.  In the last couple weeks of February, he was out playing pool six nights a week.

I played in the third stop on the Michigan Women’s 9-Ball Tour on December 6.  Prior to that day, I logged less than 4 hours of practice time since the previous tour stop in October...NOT a shining example of how to prepare for championship pool.  When I was 20, you couldn't pry me away from a pool table; I'd play 12 hours straight.  But after the McDermott Tour dried up in the mid-90s and I stopped playing tournaments regularly, I lost all of my natural desire to play pool.  So I really didn't have high expectations.  But amazingly, I won three consecutive matches, which put me in the final four of the winners bracket.  I lost to WPBA veteran pro Vicki Paski; then I puked all over myself (figuratively--that's what pool players say when they had a really bad match) against my longtime foe, CJ Jerome.  We are foes only on the green; she’s one of my favorite women pool players.  No head games or popularity contests or drama.  She keeps it real and just plays her game.  I aspire to be like her.  Anyway, I finished in 5th place and got my picture in the regional magazine, and that put me in 12th place (tie) on the tour. 

The fourth stop of the MW9B Tour was on February 7, which was officially the crappiest day of 2004.  The alignment was screwed up on my car, so I dropped it off at the shop and rented a car for $80 for the weekend (they suckered me into the additional insurance).  While I was at the tournament, the mechanics paged me to tell me I couldn't get away with a $50 alignment.  Things were broken--BIG, IMPORTANT things--and if I wanted to take my trusty ol' Saturn on the road again, they'd have to be fixed.   On top of the $700 estimate, I lost my first two matches in the tournament and put myself no closer to National qualification.  I dropped to 14th (tie). 

The Tour Coordinator, Alice, later told me that there is a tour championship in the summer, in which the top 6 or 8 players from every regional tour are invited to the national playoffs.  Since three of the players on the Michigan Tour are ineligible because they are touring pros on the WPBA, I am very, very close to being eligible for the national championship.  There are 3 more events (the last one is in Battle Creek on May 8-9), and after that I will know for sure if I move on to Nationals!

“Mom Vila on This Old House”

Mom has been doing some more renovation on our old house. I'm tellin' ya, she and David take on these projects as if they're spring chickens.  Last year they completely redid the bathroom, and now they knocked out the wall between her bedroom and my bedroom, and turned it into one big master bedroom.  It is quite amazing what David is able to accomplish, considering that he is almost 66 years old and, *technically*, handicapped. You'd never know it.  Here are the impressive before and after pictures (click to enlarge):

...and if that doesn't impress you, check out the bathroom renovation they did LAST year:

Before:     

After:     

“Cats don't always land on their feet”

I think I've told you before about our "Family Time."  This is when it's time to go take everything to the curb on Monday nights.  We coerce/force the cats to go outside with us, and we take the stuff to the curb while they prance around on the lawn, playing hide-n-seek.  Well, after Christmas the weather was so cold that, like me, none of them wanted to leave the house.  There was a break in the weather that Monday, so I encouraged them to go outside with me.   It was warming up, but there was still a half-inch layer of ice on the driveway.  Simonie got so excited that she bolted out onto the driveway--glare ice with a think coating of fluffy snow--and fell flat on her ass.  You never see cats do that!  I laughed for a good 10 minutes, and then repeatedly throughout the night whenever I saw her walk by.

“Poppelier”

You know how some people can tell you exactly what wine goes with what dish?  I think that person is called a sommelier.  I discovered that I have the ability to match the perfect diet pop to every dish.  I am a poppelier.

Pepperoni pizza?  Diet Faygo orange.  

Chicken marsala?  Diet Rite White Grape.  

Beef stroganoff?  Diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale.  

Macaroni & Cheese?  Diet Caffeine-free Dr. Pepper

Ham sandwich?  Diet A & W Root Beer.  

Any kind of salad?  Diet Pepsi/Coke.

“How come everyone here is half our age?”

My bowling homeys and I got together after Christmas for steak dinner at Knights (a new experience for all of us), followed by glow-bowling.  The scoring machine would only allow for one-word names, and I was feeling frisky.  So I entered my name:  Cher.  Naturally, Madonna (Donna) and Charo (Kathy) followed.  I was at a loss for a fourth female diva with only one name, so Elaine ended up being Fabio.  Later we thought of some better ones:  Elvira, Beyonce, Bennifer. 

As soon as the black lights came on, everyone in the room was half our age.  We had to get the HELL out of there.   

“The best way to get your feet wet...”

...is to jump in up to your neck!  The International 9-Ball Director for ACUI, a volunteer, resigned in mid-January.  This is a position I've been interested in for a number of years, but it has always been filled.  I thought I'd apply after this guy finished his 3-year term, thinking by then I'd have found someone to take over my regional duties.  After carefully weighing the options, I accepted the call for help.  I'll be heading to Boulder, Colorado on April 14-17 to run the show.  So far it's been about 10-15 hours a week of additional work, and that will continue to grow as it gets closer to event time.  I'm at a distinct disadvantage in that most people have a year to pull it together; I have less than three months.  But I am up for the challenge!

“She ain't creepy...she's my brotha”

One day I received an e-mail from someone named Rosalie, saying she loved my website.  Having gotten messages about my website from creepy people a few times before (usually invitations to “click here to check out my website”--leading to a porn site), I was a little guarded, but I wrote her back and thanked her, asking who she is, how she found the site, and why she cares.  I was thrilled to hear her response:

Hi Betsy,

To answer your question - I am just a weird old lady that likes to play around on the computer. I like typing in a phrase and seeing what comes up - I typed in "Things That Piss Me Off" and yours was one of many, many sites that came up.

I thought it was well done, that you have a very nice family and a great sense of humor.  I enjoyed it and thought you might like to know that a complete stranger enjoyed all your work and effort.  You Go Girl!

Sincerely,

Rosalie

P.S. I live in Florida - the home of the newly weds and the nearly deads.

I wrote her back a note thanking her, and told her how glad I was that she isn’t creepy.   I also invited her to make suggestions for things to add to the "Things that Piss Me Off" list.  I signed it “From your new friend from Michigan, land of Yoopers and trolls.”

We hosted the annual ACUI Recreation Tournament at U of M this year.  It was, as always, a gross amount of work, but I've done it so many times now, it went off virtually without a hitch.  Usually hosting and coordinating are two entirely separate duties, but I actually enjoyed having both of them (and my colleagues, Karla and Barb, were very helpful with non-event-specific stuff like hotels, food, etc.).  There's a lot to be said for having the element of control on your side.  When it's hosted by another school and another staff, it's always a bit of a crapshoot.  There were about 170 participants in Pool, Bowling, Table Tennis, Euchre, Foosball, and Chess.  Everything went extremely well except for the Table Tennis Director not showing up.  We called to wake him up, and eventually he got there, but it put things an hour behind schedule, and there were a few complaints from schools that had driven 7 hours to get here and planned to go home that night.  Overall, though, it was the most seamless intercollegiate tournament in recent history.  

“Trial by Jury”

For 33 years, I never saw the inside of a courtroom. The closest I came was when a childhood friend turned 18 and went in front of a Magistrate to request that his last name be changed because his dad was a complete loser and he wanted to take his Mom's last name.  Then, in the span of a week, I was at the Washtenaw County Courthouse TWICE!   I received notice of jury duty, and was also asked to testify on behalf of a student who was pulled over while driving a university vehicle for my department, and arrested on an outstanding warrant five years later when he returned to Michigan.  When I learned of this, I thought:  wouldn’t it be hilarious if I was in the pool of jurors for the case in which I was scheduled to testify?  It turned out not to be the case, but just the possibility of it made me giggle.  I was released from jury duty after only 4 hours (I finished a book and chatted with a rabid Republican so the time flew by), and the former student ended up plea-bargaining to one of the three charges, so I didn't have to take the stand.

“The Richard Petty of the Red Cross”

All that activity in January and February must have gotten my blood flowing, because when I went to the Red Cross for my quarterly blood donation, I set a record for speed of filling the bag.  They jokingly asked if I wanted to stick around for another couple pints.  Derek and I did lots of housekeeping that day (both of us--he helped!), followed by a jaunt to Home Depot.  I'm still trying desperately to get him to buy into the "Betz’s Kraft Korner" idea for the basement.  I'm not quite there yet.  But I picked out some brown/beige paint sticks to consider for the hallway, and we found a color of carpeting that we both love.  It matches the nude, which is the focal point of the room, but we are just afraid the color (dark teal) is too bold.

“I have a question, Mr. President...”

The week of Spring Break (aka, "catch up week") went by FAR too quickly, and before I knew it, I was off to Washington DC for the annual ACUI conference.  I really wasn't looking forward to the trip, not only because of my fear of plummeting to earth at 1,000 miles an hour in a metal tube engulfed in flames, but because the conference fell during Oscars weekend.  I was forced to make a split-second decision at work, back in January, about whether to attend the conference or not.  By the time I remembered it was Oscars weekend, my flight was already booked and my registration fee already paid.  I had to cancel the 5th Annual Oscarama and un-invite Michael Moore.  The conference was actually very rewarding, and I got to meet and have my picture with Helen Thomas from the UPI (White House Correspondent for almost 50 years!).  I also networked with a lot of colleagues from around the country, and did a little sight-seeing.  And as it turns out, there were a bunch of other witty and knowledgeable movie buffs at the conference.  As movie buffs tend to do, we found each other and arranged to watch the show in someone's suite.  The banter was very good.  That's my favorite part about Oscars night--the hurling of insults at the beautiful people on TV.  That, and Oscar snacks.  Given the choice, I'd still opt for the Oscarama, but the weekend wasn't a total loss.

Well, that catches you up to speed on our lives as of the end of February 2004.  Catch you again in a few months!  Look for:

• Boulder trip

• New boss for Betz

• A major winning $treak for Derek

• Angela buys a house!

Here are some new pages on the website that I have created/improved since the last newsletter:

My Favorite Words

Cat Haiku

Family Reunion (under construction)

Christmas Eve pictures

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