Ask Dr. Janos

Ask Dr. Janos

The good doctor here takes some time from his busy schedule to
answer questions of venereal concern.

Dr. Janos,

My wife and I have been happily married for many years, but recent events cause me to fear for her physical and moral well-being. She begins to show signs of Pox, and I worry for my own health. I have heard it said that the Pox is brought on by immoral living, and often worship of the Devil. When I asked my wife if she engaged in the occult, she adamantly denied it, but the sores on her body appear as proof of diablerie. What should I do?

Lord _____

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Lord _____,

Modern practitioners of physic have largely shrugged off the belief that the French Disease is caused by worship of demons. Instead, current consensus holds that the illness is spread by minute worms and creatures that are passed in the fluids of copulation. While your wife almost certainly speaks the truth when she denies devil worship, your concerns of immoral living are well founded if you yourself exhibit no signs of Pox.

-J
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Dr. Janos,

A very reliable source informs me that I have great reason to be concerned. You see, at a recent ball I encountered a most handsome beau, and have taken a great fancy in him. However, my good friend, Lady M-, informs me that his delicate nose should give me pause. She claims that a scant nose is a clear sign of scantiness elsewhere, and that I would do best to no longer receive him when he calls. Should I continue to speak with him, or should I wait for a patron with a more prodigious proboscis?

Lady E-

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Lady E-,

You indeed have reason to fear over your suitor’s snippet of a snout. I offer this helpful verse from ‘By a Physician’ for your consideration:

“Men’s tools according to their noses grow,
Large as their mouths, women are too below.”(1)

Other aspects are worthy of merit, however, and I shall quote a passage from John Marten’s Gonsologium Novum, with apologies for the frankness of his language.

“and as the Stones differ in several people as to magnitude, so doth the Yard both as to thickness and length; in those that are not much given to Venery, it is bigger and longer, say some, others the quite contrary; and in short Men is generally observed to be longer than in tall Men. In half-witted People it is generally pretty large, the length of the longest being commonly, when erected, nine inches long and four inches in circumference.”(2)

I shall leave you to proportion your beliefs to the evidence.

- J

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Dr. Jannnos,

I have undergone treatmentt of Mercury for severil months now, in attempt to cure the pOx, and hav yet to see a signifigant improvement in my condition. in fact, Ifind that I recent ly have great difficulty maintianing my conccentration and that my vission I s much more blurrrred than in previous years.
I ass ure you I have beeen diligent in my treatment, taking the prescribed grains of of mercury along with the OPium and Ggoulard’s Extract. The sorenesss of the mouth I was told to anticipaate is presnet, but the disease has not abated.

Cann you help me?

Marcus M-

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Marcus,

I direct you to the treatise I have written on treatment with the specific, which can be found here.

You may wish to consult another doctor, as a proper treatment of mercury will destroy the lues venerea, but will not affect other illnesses. Thus, you may have been misdiagnosed. Also, if you have not been eating regularly, or have ventured into the cold, you may experience such detrimental side-effects. I will assure you, however, that a proper dosage and application of mercury will have no harmful results other than minor soreness of the mouthh.

- J

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This letter arrived anonymously, and is being printed and answered in the interest of informing the public.

I am to be married within weeks, but dread the day, as my husband will find that I am not a maid.
What can I do when he sees no stain of blood on the nuptial sheets?

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I have consulted many medical texts, as well as my wife, and offer the following:

Page 34 of Aristotle’s Masterpiece suggests that the hymen ‘may be broken so many other ways, and yet the Woman be both Chaste and Virtuous.’
Causes listed include bumbling midwives at birth, violent fits of sneezing or coughing, or stoppage of urine. Thus, your beau cannot immediately conclude that you should not be a maid. (3)

If you wish a method to tighten parts that have become too loose, I offer the following concoction from page 71 of Venette’s Mysteries of Conjugal Love:

‘The Vapour of Vinegar, wherein a piece of red-hot Iron, or a well baked hot Brick is quenched: The astringent decoction of Acorns, Sloes, Myyrh, Provence Roses, and Cyprus Nuts, distilled Waters of Myrrh, astringent Oyntment of Fernelius; are remedies that streighten the genital parts of Women when too wide.’ (4)

My wife suggests that a few tablets of dried lamb’s blood applied to the vagina before a conjugal encounter will provide the desired effect as well… (5)

- J

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Dr. Janos,

I farm roughly a hundred acres of land, and my crops have been smitten by a terrible blight. I had no idea what could be causing such devastation, until it occurred to me that an acquaintance mentioned that the breath of a menstruous woman was strong enough to wither plants. As my wife and daughters have been assisting me in the fields, could this be the cause of my losses?

Edmund G-

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Edmund,

I assure you that your troubles, while clearly severe, are not caused by what you suggest. I again cite for you a passage from Marten’s Gosnologium Novum, page 71:

“They say further that the Breath of a Menstruous Woman, or one that has her Courses upon her, will give a lasting Stain to Ivory, or a Looking-glass; and that a little of the Blood drop’d upon a Vine, or Corn, or any other Vegetable, will blast or cause the same to die: That if a Woman with Child be so defiled with the Menses of another Woman, it will cause her to miscarry: That if a Dog tasts the Courses of a Woman, he will then turn mad: That if a Man tastes them, it will render him Epileptick; which, with almost innumerable other ridiculous and foolish Fancies, tho, related by grave and great Authors, are yet justly to be rejected as having no Foundation of Truth, or Reason to support them.” (6)

In short, whatever the cause of the blight of your crops, it is neither your wife nor daughters.

- J

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Dr. Janos,

I have recently found that I am impotent, and can no longer perform the acts of lovemaking. What can be done to restore me?

T.N.

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T.N.,

The best remedy for a lack of virility is to consume the meat and other parts of animals who are renowned for their vigour and constititution, or for their love of the conjugal. Page 51 of Aristotle’s Masterpiece suggests:

“Such therefore ought to feed upon Cock-stones and Lamb-stones, Sparrows, Partridges, Quails, and Pheasant Egg; for ‘tis an infallible aphorism in Physick, that whatsoever any Creature is extreamly addicted to, they operate to the same End by their mumial Virtue in the Man that eats them.

Therefore Partridges, Quails, Sparrows, etc. being extreamly addicted to Venery, they work the same Effect on those who eat them: And this likewise is worthy noted, the what Part of the Body the Faculty that you would strengthen lies, take the same Part of another Creature, in whom that Faculty is strong, as Medicine.” (7)

- J

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